"Okay, jaga kesehatan
yaa... aku pamit. Terimakasih dan maaf yaa.."
"Iya, gapapa.
Sama-sama."
Tuutt..tuutt.. they hung up.
Suddenly
she felt like her body shrunk into ant size and
everything got bigger. It was like standing in a round movie theater,
with giant
screens surrounding her. She remembered this place, or at least she
remembered the
feeling of being in a place like this. Somewhere like Planetarium Taman
Ismail Marzuki or Griffith Observatory, where Sebastian and Mia danced
together in La La Land. Everything that happened to her within these
past years played in
those screens, the places, food, music, movies, faces, laughter,
sadness, and everything.
Her heart became so
heavy, it dropped into her belly. She really wanted to cry, to let it out, but
nothing came out of her throat. It was 11 pm and her parents were sleeping
in the next room and she was crying in silence, here, in her bedroom. She hugged her
pillow thightly, pressed it to her chest cause that’s where she ached the most. She
didn’t try to cover up her mouth cause even open air would not suffice to fill her lungs.
All night long she was wallowing in self-pity.
"Weren't you the one who came miles and miles away to come see me and then asked for second chance?"
"Weren't you the one convince me to start anew, leave the past behind and start preparing for the future?"
"Weren't you the one who came miles and miles away to come see me and then asked for second chance?"
"Weren't you the one convince me to start anew, leave the past behind and start preparing for the future?"
"What did I do wrong?"
"Was it my sharp tongue?"
"Was it my stubborness?"
"Ya.. I knew that I could become so persistent and
demanding sometimes, but don’t you know me enough that I would soften in front
of you, eventually?"
"Was it my insecurity?"
"Ya.. I always know that sometimes I could become
super insecure and not feeling good enough under my own skin. No place could
fit me or maybe I don’t fit in any place"
"But don’t you know that you’re my comfort zone?"
"Was it because I’m different?"
"Was I not worth fighting for?"
"What if I didn’t do that?"
"What if I didn’t say this?"
She was
left with so many “what ifs”, bereft of self-esteem.
She
knew that when she gets too attached to something (or
someone), she gives part of her to it (or him or her). That’s why when
she loses it, she feels incomplete cause it brings that part of her
away. For a moment, she will not feel whole anymore.
That’s what makes losing so hard.
Try cut yourself with a knife? It’s painfull, isn’t it?
That’s
because you ripped your skin that was once connected as one whole layer, but not
anymore. You broke your tissue and then
the cells around that wound die. Your nerves send signals to your brain that
something’s wrong with your body.
And that’s, my friend, when you
start aching.
Well, the explanation above could be wrong but what she was trying
to say is, “the pain is derived from something
that once was whole, connected, and then all of a sudden, not anymore”
Oh
this feeling, she knew this feeling, it’s not new to her. She
knew that the next few days, or weeks or months would be hard for her.
She knew that she's not gonna make it to the office tomorrow. She knew
that even the slightest
thing that reminds her of those good old days would make her eyes teary.
She would be a
weeping, mourning, crying baby for she didn't know how long.
She knew, she knew.
She's been through
this before, she made it through, and she came out just fine. She knew that she’ll be
ok, she knew that the pain will linger for a while but time would heal everything
and she’d get over it.
It’s her choice to think that this is the end of everything,
the end of her happy days, to be deterrent to any goey romantic stories, to be
cynical to love birds, to not trust anymore, that she wont’ find love anymore,
that she doesn’t merit the happily-ever-after life.
It’s all her choice.
But NO, my friend. She won’t choose to be bitter.
Just like a wound, she would let it bleed, she would let it scab
for a while. A broken heart is like dead skin cells around ripped skin. It’ll
be replaced by new cells and form a new layer of skin.
It might leave some scars on her skin, she might notice it in
the future, but the pain won’t be there anymore.
There's
no hatred, there's no revenge. This is nobody's fault. And even if
somebody has to take the blame, it's theirs. There's no way that this is
the responsibility of one party. It takes two to tango. It's just that
they were not dancing in the same tempo and rhythm anymore and it's for
the best that they stopped. It doesn't matter who quitted first cause
she herself, is not a quitter. Even if she knew that they didn't sync
anymore, she still wouldn't quit. She just didn't have the heart to do
it. At least that's what she learns about herself from her previous
relationships. So, maybe one day, she'll be thankfull for him for taking
the brave step.
She
guess this is what is called a closure. When she finally finds peace
and contentment within herself. Ya, there are some mornings when she
wakes up with heavy and groggy feeling, but she embraces that feeling.
There
are still some nights when she was watching cartoon movie, she should
be laughing but she cries for no particular reason, instead. But, she
sleeps over that feeling anyway.
It took her weeks till she could figure everything out and gathered her pieces. She decided to write again not to flaunt her personal life, but as a theraphy. Do you know what Mr. BJ Habibie did to ease the pain of losing his late loving wife? He wrote. Do you know what Ary Yogeswari did after finding out that her ex husband cheated on her? She wrote. Do you know what JK Rowling did after divorce? She wrote. Well, she's not saying that she wants to be like them, what she's saying is sometimes people can become so much inspired when we are at our lowest point. Writing is also her favourite way to empty her heart and head, to release the burden and to teach her future self with her past.
Somebody once said to her, "what makes a woman, woman, is the secret" but for her, what makes a woman, woman, is her big heart. A big heart to forgive herself and then forgive others, a big heart to apologize first, a big heart to acknowledge that people might disappoint you but only God's unfailing love that will never let you down, a big heart to accept that life is not always sun and rainbows, a big heart to achieve self contentment and inner peace, a big heart to deal with her own insecurities, a big heart to absorb all love and kindness till there's no more space for anger and hatred.
Two
days ago, she opened her diary and found an encouraging quote that she
wrote for herself years ago. She didn't know whether she just made it up
or found it written by someone else in a book or online. But that quote
is a damn good one.
"Everybody wants happiness. Nobody wants pain.She might be going through rough patches right now.
But you can't have a rainbow without a little rain."
But storm won't last forever. She knows that she will survive this and she'll be alright.
She'll be alright.
No comments:
Post a Comment