Here Today, There Tomorrow

Always go with the choice that scares you the most, because that's the one that is going to help you grow - Caroline Myss

 And here I am now, scared  yet psyched by my own choice.

Setelah hampir 3 tahun bertugas di kampung halaman, Pulau Nias, finally 3 September 2018 aku pindah kembali ke Pulau Jawa. "Finally" bukan karena aku tidak menikmati pekerjaanku selama ini, sebaliknya, aku justru di zona ternyaman selama 3 tahun terakhir sampai aku takut aku bakalan tenggelam dalam kenyamanan itu. Setelah penantian panjang, persiapan dan perjuangan bolak-balik sana sini, akhirnya aku mendapat kesempatan untuk melanjutkan kuliah di D4 Akuntansi STAN tahun 2018 ini.

Aduuuhh..sudah 3 bulan disini dan entah kenapa sampai sekarang tiap ingat bahwa aku bisa jadi mahasiswa di kampus ini lagi, aku otomatis ber-"terimakasih Bapa" dalam hati.

Alasan kenapa aku sampe segitu bersyukurnya bisa kuliah disini tuh ya karena sejak wisuda D3 dulu, aku memang bercita-cita untuk kembali lagi. Namun berhubung kuliah kembali disini berarti (1) bersaing dengan sesama STAN yang udah ketahuanlah ya gimana otak dan cara belajarnya, (2) yang diambil semakin sedikit, tahun-tahun sebelumnya ada 4 kelas untuk spesialisasi akuntansi dan 2 tahun terakhir hanya ada 2 kelas, (3) aku manusia sangat tau diri bahwa aku dulu mediocre dengan IPK mediocre sementara senior di atasku yang keterima di D4 STAN adalah rata-rata IPK dewa, (4) sudah kelamaan kerja dan ga nyentuh buku kuliah, ga tau mau belajar mulai dari mana.

Btw, aku dengan harapan yang luar biasa untuk bisa lanjut kuliah lagi ini sempat bikin aku gelisah berlebihan (thus my recent "galau" posts 😝). Selama hampir setahun, aku ga punya hal lain yang bener-bener sematerial "pengen D4". Soalnya tahun ini, pengumuman penerimaan calon mahasiswa tugas belajar sedikit agak lebih lama dibanding tahun-tahun sebelumnya. Kemudian, aku juga terlambat setahun untuk mencoba ujian D4 karena peraturan tertentu yang ga membolehkan aku nyoba. Perasaan "terlambat selangkah dibanding teman-teman yang lain" dan harapan setinggi langit itulah yang bikin anxiety-ku juga setinggi langit. Tapi puji Tuhan, sekitar bulan Mei (kalau ga salah), pengumuman penerimaan calon mahasiswa tubel keluar juga. 

Dan akhirnya, disinilah aku, kembali berkutat dengan PR yang kok kayaknya ga habis-habisnya, trying to keep up dengan teman-teman sekelas yang pinter-pinter (bangga aku tuuuhh sekelas sama mereka), sembari menikmati hari-hari libur yang diakibatkan kelas cancel. Can't thank God enough for this opportunity, tiap ingat gimana aku ditemenin selama penantian,persiapan dan ujian-ujian, aku langsung malu sama diri-sendiri yang dulu kok kayaknya gelisah parah.

Aku juga ga akan bisa melupakan teman-teman terdekatku yang jadi tempatku berkeluh-kesah tentang persiapan D4, berbagi materi persiapan ujian, berbagi info try out online dan yang cuman "one-chat away" mendengarkan ceritaku tentang berbagai hal termasuk hal pribadi. Adik-adikku yang selalu jadi supporter terbesarku, khususnya Paul, yang selama 3 tahun terakhir, bukan cuman sebagai adik, tapi udah kayak sa.ha.bat. Ga ada hal yang terjadi di hidupku dan hal yang terlintas di pikiranku selama 3 tahun ini yang dia gatau. Dan asiknya, dia bisa banget diajak diskusi dan dia tipikal orang berpendirian namun terbuka dengan berbagai persepsi dan masukan. Jadi aku bisa ngmong apa aja, hal paling aneh dan ekstrim sekalipun, tanpa merasa di-judge atau aku yang berpikir "duh...dia ga akan ngerti nih".

"Brother-ing" and "sister-ing", I'm not even sure if those are words but you know what I mean. Sekarang kita udah bisa saling menasehati, mendukung dan mendorong. Ga cuman aku sebagai kakak yang selalu ngasitau mana yang benar dan salah ke adik-adiknya. Thank God🙏

Aku juga bersyukur punya mama dan bapak yang walaupun sebenarnya berat hati membiarkan anaknya nyoba kuliah lagi (karna kalo lulus, aku merantau lagi), namun seperti mereka selama ini, mereka selalu mendukung anak-anaknya. Makanya sampai sekarang, aku tiap melakukan sesuatu, kalo mau bandel pun, sebisa mungkin jangan yang efeknya bakalan bikin mereka kecewa. Kasian soalnya, udah luar biasa supportive ke anak-anaknya, eh malah dihancurin kepercayaan dan harapannya (pikiran ini juga sih yang kadang bikin aku kesel ke mereka kalo kadang mereka ga percayaan ke aku. I was like "why won't you trust meeee?)

Trus, satu lagi. Ada berapa kali dalam hidup, kita merasa bahwa sesuatu yang awalnya kita pikir adalah halangan malah menjadi jalan? Aku lupa berapa kali aku ber-negative thinking ke sesuatu hal atau seseorang yang menurutku bakalan menghalangi aku menuju ke tujuan awalku. Tapi kali ini, aku memutuskan untuk tidak lupa.

Di tengah-tengah persiapanku untuk D4 ini, di kala aku merasa semua hal ga material harus disisihkan dulu untuk bisa kuliah lagi, ada orang yang awalnya aku rasa bakalan "menggangu" malah sebaliknya jadi penolong. Biggest helper and supporter, malah. Mungkin ini tuh salah satu cara Tuhan menjawab doa-doaku selama ini yang helpless ga tau gimana cara buat belajar yang efektif dan efisien untuk memperbesar kesempatanku untuk lulus. And now, we're bestfriends and after helping me with the test, he's been helping me with the lectures. Yup, ini tuh lebih ke dia yang bantuin aku, sementara aku useless. Aku ga tau manfaatku apa ke dia wkwkkw...😜. Terimakasih seribuuu... Mungkin pesan moral dari ini semua untukku adalah (1) jangan negative thinking, (2) God can work through peculiar ways, in  unseemly time, through unexpected people. All you need to do is ask and relax.

Btw, ini tuh udah bulan November 2018, playlist-ku setiap saat sudah lagu-lagu natal. Can't wait for christmas and home. Aku udah beli tiket pulang ke Nias 2 bulan sebelum tanggal keberangkatan. Ini juga sekalian mengigatkanku bahwa tahun 2018 akan berakhir dan tahun 2019 udah mulai ngintip. Sudah mulai memikirkan resolusi dan harapan yang harus dicapai di tahun 2019. Berhubung aku ga pernah bikin resolusi karena ga yakin bisa komitmen, aku biasanya menetapkan harapan (lebih ke goal sih sebenarnya). Puji Tuhan, harapan untuk tahun 2018 tercapai, aku bisa kuliah lagi. 

Nah sekarang kepikiran tahun 2019 nih. Since I think, I've been in a very good term right now and there's one more goal that I haven't achieved yet (masih banyak sih harusnya, tp ini kayaknya yang timingnya paling pas), I've been thinking of this "wish". Tapi ini kayaknya rada susah. Tapi balik lagi kayak quote di atas "scary things help you grow and God can work in peculiar ways", so let's see what 2019 would bring me.

With a thankfull heart,

Dian💓

Me : Hey, why do you always look like munching on something? Why eat so much?

Also me :  Ya. Coz’ I’m hungry aaalll the time

Me : Ooh…how so?

Also me : Well, coz’ being nice and looking happy all the time need energy

Me : If being nice and looking happy drain you, why keep on being one?

Also me : Oh...honey, let me tell you something. Nobody loves a girl with a sad face. And explaining to people why you're sad drains you even more. Plus, there are always two reasons why people ask you your personal matters. One, they do care about you. Two, they're just curious. It's the last one most of the time"

(a romanticized version of a girl who's hungry all the time)

In an upstair-room, away from home
Dian❤

Jumat, 28 September 2018. TGIF. Hari kebebasan, kata orang kantoran. Setelah 5 hari jadi budak korporat, lagi-lagi kata orang kantoran (word, sorry), akhirnya weekend datang juga. Tapi ya sebahagia apapun kamu, ga ada bedanya dengan Jumat lalu dan Jumat yang akan datang. Orang-orang akan berjibaku berhari-hari hanya untuk kemudian sama-sama bersorak TGIF lagi.

Tapi Jumat ini beda. Setidaknya untuk orang-orang yang saat itu sedang asik nonton tv di rumah dengan keluarganya dan 5 menit kemudian semua berubah. Rumahnya mendadak rata dengan tanah, keluarganya tercerai-berai dibawa gelombang ombak yang tanpa diundang bertamu ke daratan dan sejak saat itu hidupnya takkan pernah sama.

Jumat, 28 September 2018 sore, gempa dan tsunami menghantam Donggala, Palu.

Pagi ini aku mendapat email masuk dari sebuah NGO. Disitu dikatakan bahwa korban jiwa sudah mencapai 1.203 jiwa dan ada kemungkinan jumlahnya akan terus bertambah. Tiap kali nyalain tv, semua channel memberitakan tentang kondisi terbaru di tenda pengungsian, rumah sakit, rumah ibadah, bandara, proses evakuasi korban meninggal dan luka-luka. Kok rasanya hancur banget ya liat penderitaan mereka. Setiap ada pemberitaan tentang Donggala, aku pasti selalu tanpa sadar udah nangis sedih aja sambil dalam hati ngomong, "makasih, Tuhan".

Palu. Sumber: https://www.liputan6.com/news/read/3656762/2-figur-heroik-di-balik-gempa-tsunami-palu-dan-donggala

Hah?kok makasih?

I'll tell you later.

Ada satu lagi yang bikin hati rasanya teriris. Kisah tentang Antonius Gunawan, seorang air traffic controller AirNav Indonesia, yang mengorbankan dirinya untuk memastikan pesawat Batik Air yang dipandunya dapat lepas landas dengan selamat (baca disini). Dia memilih tetap di menara meskipun saat itu sedang terjadi gempa dan akhirnya wafat dalam tugas. Hal pertama yang terlintas di pikiranku saat membaca tentang beritanya adalah "bagaimana dengan mamanya? betapa hancurnya hati mamanya ditinggal oleh anaknya yang luar biasa mulianya ini". Tapi yah, semua orang di dunia ini punya misi dan panggilan masing-masing dan Antonius Gunawan telah berhasil menyelesaikannya. Hidupnya telah menjadi berkat bagi ratusan bahkan ribuan orang.

Tenang bersama Bapa, dear Antonius Gunawan. Kau akan selalu dikenang dan kasihmu kepada sesama akan menjadi teladan.

Sumber: https://kalteng.antaranews.com/berita/288159/jenazah-petugas-atc-antonius-gunawan-disemayamkan-di-makassar

Akhir-akhir ini Indonesia sering sekali dilanda bencana alam. Kejadian terakhir sebelum ini adalah gempa di Lombok. Belum sembuh luka karena bencana di Lombok, terjadi lagi gempa dan tsunami di Palu. I can always relate to these stories. Mungkin karena itulah aku selalu emosional tiap membaca, menonton dan mendengar berita tentang gempa Palu ini.

28 Maret 2005 malam sekitar pukul 22.30 WIB, gempa berkekuatan 8,7 SR mengguncang Pulau Nias. Tanah kelahiranku, tanahku dibesarkan. Saat itu aku masih berumur 12 tahun dan duduk di kelas 1 SMP. Aku masih benar-benar ingat setiap hal yang kualami ketika gempa itu terjadi. Bagaimana kami sekeluarga terpisah-pisah, adik-adikku yang terkunci di kamar dan pasrah tak bisa keluar karna tempat tidur yang bergeser-geser, bapak dan adikku yang bersembunyi di tempat tidur agak tidak tertimpa lemari. Malam itu, seluruh warga berlari menuju gunung dan kami melihat bagaimana api menjalar dan membakar kota. Kami juga mendengar beberapa kali ledakan. Malam itu, semua tampak begitu gelap tapi juga terang benderang.

sumber: https://www.kompasiana.com/java05_gheeyahoo.com/552adbf2f17e61d04bd623a9/tsunami-kedua-menghempas-nias

Aku bersyukur kepada Tuhan atas segala kasihnya kepadaku dan keluarga. Bahkan di saat gempa dan tidur di biara suster selama hampir seminggu, tidur di halaman tetangga 2 minggu, tidur di tenda depan rumah selama 3 bulan, kami masih diberi kesempatan untuk menikmati berkat-Nya hingga saat ini. Kami beruntung, rumah kami tidak rusak parah seperti orang lain, tapi kami memilih untuk tetap di tenda karena trauma akan gempa susulan dan isu tsunami yang membuat kami beberapa kali berlari ke gunung tiap ada gempa susulan.

Sekarang tau kan kenapa aku malah bilang "makasih, Tuhan"?

Life goes on. Sudah 13 tahun berlalu sejak kejadian di malam itu. Kota kami sudah lama pulih kembali, hidup kami pun sudah lama tertata kembali. Tapi ternyata kenangan akan kejadian itu akan tetap utuh di ingatan kami. Setiap tahun masyarakat di Pulau Nias memperingati terjadinya gempa Nias. Setiap orang dengan segala kisahnya, setiap orang dengan kisah kehilangannya dan setiap orang dengan puji syukurnya.

Lagi-lagi, aku beruntung. Tuhan baik padaku. Gempa tak mengambil apapun dariku, justru memberiku sesuatu, pengalaman dan hati yang penuh terimakasih kepada-Nya. Aku pikir, setelah 13 tahun berlalu, aku akan melupakan kejadian malam itu. Ternyata belum dan sepertinya tidak akan pernah. Aku masih selalu menitikkan air mata melihat mereka yang mengalami penderitaan dan ketakutan kami dulu.

Saudara, aku tau kesakitan yang kau rasakan saat ini. Kata-kata penyemangat memang tak ada gunanya saat ini, tapi bersabarlah saja, ini pasti akan berlalu. Tanganku tak dapat meraihmu tapi aku tau doaku bisa.

My heart goes to Palu.
Dian ♥

It's sooo cold outside and I'm crawling in my office chair with my jacket, socks and neck pillow. Office hour is over, I could go home anytime but the weather gives me this weird feeling. That weird feeling when you realize something is off, but you have no idea what it is. It's like something is missing, but you're not sure if it really is missing or it's just something you never had.

This reminds me of the night talk I had with my friends last week. I don't know what happen to the world outside of this wall I built for myself, but all of a sudden, all my closest friends including my brother was talking about their confusion, dissatisfaction, relationship issues, how they wish everything was different and how everything pushed them to the brink of anxiety.

Well, I am no capable in consulting people with their problems.  The only way I could do was being their chat buddy, staying awake with them till 2 a.m, listening to them and telling them that everything is gonna be okay.

I myself, was struggling with anxiety last couple of months, thus I can relate to them and have empathy to what they're going through. Thank goodness I am surrounded with the love of family and the support of friends who are just one Whatsapp chat away, and suddenly I'm not alone anymore. They're my bubble. They keep me safe, untouched, unscratched.

I notice the same theme from all the stories of my friends and mine. We're in our early twenties, passionate, fascinated with happiness and success, new to our work, career and to pretty much everything. And according to my online search, and long and deep discussions with my other friend, we're in our Quarter Life Crisis!

So, what's quarter life crisis?

What are the signs that we're having quarter life crisis?

Well, each individual has different experience and there are so many articles online listing 10 or 15 or 25 signs of quarter life crisis. But let me infer according to our experience:

 Who are the ones likely to "suffer" from this kind of crisis?

 See? mid twenties!

Where'd you get it?

 How to overcome this crisis?

I couldn't agree more to what's written in the article. I write a lot when I feel down. I did this even before reading those articles about quarter life crisis. I also bought books (and still do) about anxiety and self-help. I read a lot, I even read the bible not necessarily because I'm religious but because I'm in search  of inner peace, I need to calm myself down. Both writing and reading are so therapeutic for me.

The books that I've been reading right now are "Anxious for Nothing" by Max Lucado and "The Subtle Art of  Not Giving A Fuck" by Mark Manson, and "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris is still in queue. I don't know if they would help. I don't even care if they're relevant. As I said before, I'm in search.

I also talk to people I trust, whom I know won't judge me, won't see me less normal. I love talking to my brother, Paul, and chatting with closest friends. People need to share their thought, their burden. Sometimes we don't need solution, all we need is to be heard.

So, for those who of you who can relate with this condition, you should know that you are not alone on this and it's normal to have anxiety. You don't have to be anxious for being anxious😉. Everybody's going through or at least has been through a crisis unless you're a non-achiever and not willing to elevate. Everybody is fighting their own battle other people know nothing about(that's why we should always be kind).

One day, you'll stop and look behind, "Man, I was so stressed out back then, but I made it. I came out just fine" 

Hold on, you'll get through this and everything will fall to places. 

Lots of love,

Dian 😘😘


If you want to read more, here are the links that I found interesting
https://personaltao.com/midlife-crisis/quarter-life-crisis-signs/
http://allgroanup.com/adult/25-signs-quarter-life-crisis/
https://www.themuse.com/advice/powering-through-your-quarterlife-crisis
https://www.forbes.com/sites/julesschroeder/2016/09/08/millennials-this-is-what-your-quarter-life-crisis-is-telling-you/2/#7f0263684677
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/quarter-life-crisis-age-most-likely-job-work-relationships-linkedin-career-house-money-a8054616.htmlhttps://lifehacker.com/how-to-overcome-your-quarter-life-crisis-1782670670

I remember back to the day when I received my first work placement letter. I got KPPN Gunungsitoli, which meant Nias Island, my hometown. Instead of being super happy, I cried. I wasn't ready to give up my social life in the big city. I was afraid of being not able to fit in with new society and their whatsoever standards.

But turned out, being in a "new" place wasn't that bad after all. I made friends with new and old friends here. And the ones that I am so grateful for are my fellows in my church choir, Solideo. I've been in this choral group for 2 years now and I should say that this group is my sweet escape from work hustle and bustle. It helps me staying sane and balancing work and social life.

Vivi's wedding day. Went all the way to Lahewa only to sing on her special day

Focus, please😜

With The Bishop, Father Ludovicus Simanullang, OFMCap

I joined this group was not necessarily cause I'm good at singing and I have good voice. It was merely cause I loved singing but not confident enough to sing solo. So being in a choir is always something I opt for. I've been always a choir member since I was in Junior High School. The only time when I was not one was when I was in college. I private tutored Elementary to High School students back then, thus I didn't have any spare time for another extracurricular.

Not only do we sing, but also we have fun together 😎

I've seen more things done by love within these 2 years. Some friends of mine are members of two choirs at the same time. They have to juggle with family, work and schedules and often I find them looking so tired especially during Christmas and Easter. Yet they do it anyway cause they love it. When I asked them, "Aren't you guys too tired being in 2 choirs? Why not just drop one and focus on the other one?". They just said, "No, cause it's fun and we enjoy it".

Some of my choir friends are school and college students. Instead of setting aside some of their time rehearsing, they could just hang out with their friends, or study or private tutor for money just like how I did when I was in college. But no, they choose to invest their time doing what they love doing.

Other ones amuse me even more. They are moms and dads who are undoubtedly have enough things to take care of in their houses, yet they still give time to sing their heart out with us. And surprisingly, they are more punctual than some of us who are still single (especially me). So, besides being friends, they are also role models for me that age, family and marriage is not an obstacle for you to self develop and do what you love doing. And of course, to appreciate time more. 

I'm gonna end this story with a literally real love story and in order to make it even more real, I'm gonna tell it in Bahasa. This was a conversation my choir friends had last week, before Palm Sunday Mass.

Bang Roy: "Eh, Mak Jos. Kata Bang Pasaribu, dia kagumlah sama kau dan suamimu, Pak Jos. Masih setia mendampingi dan membimbing paduan suara Solideo ini"

Mak Jos: "Gimana ya, Bang. Kalo kami berhenti, aku dan Pak Jos jadi ingat, kalo kami dulu jumpa di paduan suara ini. Makanya sedih kalo sampai berhenti"

We wouldn't meet and fall in love at each other if it's not because of this choir. So, it would be so sad if we give up on this.  -Mak Jos-

Mak Jos and Pak Jos. Aren't they the sweteeeesstt? Marriage goal💖💖💖

I was there hearing that conversation and automatically exclaimed "Oooohh..so sweet". My reaction may seem spontaneous but the impression that I got was deep. I wouldn't bother writing this post if I was not touched by that answer. I mean, if you can't see love in that answer, I don't know what else can you see?

21-03- 2018.

Today, out of nowhere, I was thinking that on this very day, 5 years ago, could be a perfect day to do something good. Well, I know that we are all taught that we should always do good everyday. But what I mean by "something" is things you never think you'd do before, something daring and challenging like starting a new business, hiking or jumping off a cliff, starting a conversation to someone you've been secretly stalked and infatuated with or anything special that you'd like to remember.

21-03-2013, nice combination of number, isn't it?

Lucky numbers, high hopes.

Well not everybody think the same way, but perhaps in Indonesia, some people still think that there are such good days, good dates, lucky numbers, "tanggal cantik" and so on. Therefore, many people would choose those particular days and dates to get married, to give birth (C-section), to propose to the girlfriends (or boyfriends) or to confess love. Ya, I know I sound cheesy but I bet some people would smile and nod with me on this 🙂

So, tell me what did you do on this day, 5 years ago?

There's nothing wrong about stopping for a while and reflecting your life on this -not christmas nor new year nor your birthday- day. How far you've been walking within this 5 years, your accomplishment, your loss and what it taught you, how far you've changed, and have you become the person you wished you would become 5 years later?

I personally had nothing special happening on 21-03-2013. Too many things occured all the way from March 21,2013 to March 21,2018. It's a little impossible to recall everything date by date. But I think, I can still remember some of the in-betweens.

Life has done me wonders. It's been a hell of a ride. There were some days when I jumped so high and there were some days I had to stoop so low to gather my pieces. The person I am now wasn't exactly the person I tought I would become. I've changed quite a lot in terms of thinking, vision, behavior, commitment and many more. I've grown.

Early this morning, I opened up my diary again and found out my bucket list I wrote several years ago. Some were ticked, some were still empty. Some were still relevant, some made me wonder what  I was thinking when I wrote them 😜

Now back to you, what did you do on this day, 5 years ago?

Ps:

It's funny that I ended up this post with a question because apparently nobody's gonna read this post anyway, so nobody's gonna answer. And I think that's the good thing of having my own blog. I can express my thought without worrying of flooding people's social media homepage with my long random rant. It's like running and rolling and jumping on your own lawn.

But if you happen to read this, then thanks a lot!

Warmest hugs all the way from here to there,

Dian 💕

Luke 12:27-29

²⁷ “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ²⁸ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! ²⁹ And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.

All these years, I have everything laid down in front of me just at the right time, never too early, never too late. The life I have now is nothing like what I had imagined when I was a kid. People from my childhood look at me with an awe for what I am right now. Life has treated me well so far. 

So, why worry so much, girl? 

Now, chin up and embrace the future! 👊💢

Ps: 99 Wisdom is the second book of Gobind Vashdev that I read. My first one was Happiness Inside and to be honest, I like the first one better than the second one. In my opinion, Gobind can tell the stories more lavishly in Happiness Inside while in 99 Wisdom, he is limited to elaborate the idea into shorter stories since he has to load 99 chapters into one book.  But either way, I love them both and I've been keeping these books at the edge of my bed along with my bible.