Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts

Thursday, September 23, 2021

Life Update, Suami, Sekolah dan Beasiswa!

September 23, 2021 1 Comments

Menikah dengan orang yang sama-sama passionate sekali dengan sekolah emang seru ya...jadi punya penyemangat untuk terus bertumbuh berkembang dan kejar sekolah setinggi-tingginya, sejauh-jauhnya. Sejak pacaran kondisi kami ga jauh-jauh dari LDR karena salah satunya sedang kuliah dan/atau sedang mengejar beasiswa untuk bisa berkuliah lagi. Hingga saat ini ketika kami sudah menikah dan akhirnya bisa sekota, pak suami malah menerima beasiswa Australia Awards Scholarship (AAS) untuk kuliah lagi (puji Tuhan, God is so good to us). Kami seharusnya sudah mulai menjalani long distance marriage lagi per 16 Agustus 2021. Puji Tuhan, pandemi ini mengharuskan semua kegiatan perkuliahan dilaksanakan secara online sehingga aku tidak harus gegalauan ditinggal suami kuliah di masa-masa hamil. Ehm, yes, We are pregnant, my husband and I. I'm pregnant with our baby and he is pregnant with all the food he got to devour accompanying me eating.


Di sela-sela segala mual, pusing dan pegal-pegal yang melanda di awal-awal kehamilan ini, aku bersyukur bisa menjalaninya dengan didampingi suami yang penyabar, pengertian dan supportive. Terkadang ketika badan rasanya ga enak banget, aku sambil ngomong ke suami, "Bang, aku jadi ngerti perasaan teman-temanku yang menjalani masa kehamilan berjauhan dengan suaminya. Tiap hari bikin status pengeeeenn banget cepet-cepet mutasi ke kota tugasnya suami. Kalo aku di posisi mereka, aku pun sepertinya akan seperti itu". Ngomong begituan aja bisa sampai terharu banget rasanya. Sejak hamil, jiwa meloku emang semakin menjadi-jadi.


Btw, selain merasakan berbagai perubahan secara fisik selama kehamilan, akhir-akhir ini aku juga merasa bahwa hal-hal yang dulunya begitu jelas bagiku, menjadi abu-abu dan aku pun mulai mempertanyakan segala sesuatunya. Aku mulai kembali mempertanyakan pilihan karirku, cita-citaku, apakah aku akan bersekolah lagi dan apakah aku layak untuk mendapat kesempatan untuk bersekolah lagi, apa sebenarnya hal-hal yang benar-benar bermanfaat yang telah kulakukan dalam hidupku, dan lain-lain. Aku merasa tidak seperti diriku yang dulu, yang selalu driven,  a go-getter, punya tujuan jelas, timeline dan ambisi. Saat ini aku masih terus berdoa dan berusaha masuk ke dalam diriku sendiri, karena berada di keadaan ini nyaman sekaligus tidak nyaman bagiku.


Sembari terus bertanya-tanya, aku memutuskan untuk berusaha melakukan yang terbaik di tempatku bekerja, berusaha mengalahkan ketidaknyamanan yang kurasakan selama hamil dan menikmati setiap hal yang kulakukan dalam mendukung pekerjaan suami. Aku menikmati masa-masa menemaninya persiapan wawancara untuk beasiswa Chevening dan AAS, aku menikmati menjadi teman diskusinya ketika merencanakan sesuatu, aku menikmati ketika turut mencuri dengar atau membaca materi perkuliahannya. I enjoy being his companion.


Talking about my husband, for me and perhaps for many, my husband is a good mentor/ advisor and the biggest initiator. Passion beliau untuk terus berkontribusi terhadap kemajuan pendidikan di Nias emang ga ada habisnya. Setelah bimbelnya harus tutup karena pandemi, beliau terus berpikir bagaimana caranya agar dapat membantu para siswa dan mahasiswa Nias belajar. Akhir-akhir ini, beliau sedang giat-giatnya untuk mensosialisasikan berbagai kesempatan meraih beasiswa kepada anak-anak Nias, khususnya beasiswa LPDP kategori afirmasi. Beliau telah beberapa kali mengadakan kegiatan virtual sharing session terkait beasiswa tersebut dan mem-follow up dengan melaksanakan kelas persiapan TOEFL secara virtual. Dan disinilah peranku, dengan sebisa mungkin menjadi tentor/pengajar sekaligus memaksaku untuk kembali belajar Bahasa Inggris yang baik dan benar. Aku bersyukur karena di saat-saat seperti ini aku jadi merasa dibutuhkan, bermanfaat dan punya tujuan (jangka pendek, at least). Walaupun saat ini aku masih berperan sebagai supporter yang baik saja, sepertinya aku emang ga harus memaksakan diri untuk selalu on top of everything. It's OK to not be a hero today! 

Sharing Session pada 14 Mei 2021 dengan narasumber Kak Liguori Ledhe, LPDP awardee ,
Australian National University.

Sharing Session pada 14 Mei 2021 dengan narasumber Bang Ridho Juliandra, LPDP awardee ,
University of Nottingham, UK. Beliau juga salah satu advisor Pak Suami ketika menyusun essay untuk
apply beasiswa Chevening dan AAS.

Sharing session pada 17 September 2021 dengan beberapa adik-adik lulusan IKIP Gunungsitoli yang bercita-cita untuk kuliah lagi. Narasumber Intan Gea, awardee LPDP 2021. Btw, she's so humble and the way she spoke about her journey to scholarship was so uplifting menurutku. Adik-adik dari Nias perlu banyak mendengar cerita-cerita penyemangat and relatable seperti ceritanya Intan☺

Lastly, buat teman-teman yang punya cita-cita kuliah lagi bahkan sampai ke luar negeri, mending segera cari-cari info dan persiapan deh. Kesempatan meraih beasiswa dan berbagai info terkait tips and trick meraih beasiswa bertaburan banget loh di internet, bahkan di youtube, orang tuh sampe share kehidupan sehari-hari mereka di kampus, kosan/apartment selama menempuh pendidikan menggunakan beasiswa. Kalo pengen sharing atau tanya-tanya terkait LPDP, Chevening, dan Australia Awards Scholarship, bisa reach out juga kesini, perhaps my husband can help haha...


Cheers,
Dian❤


Saturday, May 22, 2021

You Preggo?

May 22, 2021 0 Comments
Hi, para newly married ladies yang berbahagia dan timbangannya makin hari makin ke kanan. 
I know you feel me, cause I feel you too😀

I feel the happiness you feel in your heart, you forget to count the calories you eat. The comfort of the food shows through your face. It plumps your cheeks.

I know what your clothes and your husband have in common. They hug you so tight, it gets tighter every day. They envelop all your curves, radiating warmth. You won't catch a cold.

I've been posting some photos of mine (or ours) on social media post married and I am super aware that I've been putting on some weight. But I didn't really realize that I'm that type of woman who's bigger in the midsection until some of my friends asked if I'm pregnant or not😂. 

"No, guys. I wish but I'm not pregnant just yet, not that I know of. That big belly of mine is just a bundle of happiness, fat, gas and feces", that's how I replied to them.

For now, we have no reason to panic and rush into getting children. I haven't made any plan on booking an appointment with an ob-gyn, yet. The longing is there but we don't see the point of sweating it too much, except pray for it day and night. 
unsplash.com
Unlike in the old times, couples nowadays are struggling to have children of their own. Some of my friends waited or are waiting for years to be pregnant. Let alone, some people choose to live a childfree marriage. I can understand why my family and dearest friends already start asking me such questions. I can see that they all come from pure hearts, best intentions.

My bones were not hidden from Thee when I was made in secret. curiously wrought in the lower parts of the earth. -Psalm 139:15-

Hi, my future kid(s), I know that Father Jesus already knows everything about you loooonggg before your Dad and I would know you would've existed. He has the best plan and beautiful design for you, me, and your Dad. And even if you would never be destined to be with us, "Everything's gonna be alright, Dek", that's how your Dad would say to me. He gets our back💪

Just like what has been written in Psalm 124:8,

Our help is in the name of The Lord, who made heaven and earth.


Fiat Voluntas Tua. 

Terjadilah padaku menurut perkataan-Mu.


Dian 💕 



Friday, May 21, 2021

The Perks of Being A Newly-Wed Working Wife

May 21, 2021 0 Comments

Dan di atas semuanya itu, kenakanlah kasih sebagai pengikat yang mempersatukan dan menyempurnakan. -Kolose 3:14-

Ayat di atas adalah ayat yang dituliskan suamiku dalam undangan pernikahan kami 4 bulan lalu. Ketika mendesain undangan pernikahan kami, dia mendiskusikan segala sesuatunya kecuali pemilihan ayat tersebut. But I won't complain a thousand times.


Hampir 4 bulan menikah, hmm..rasanya gimana ya? Belum ada waktu panjang untuk punya reflective thought yang dalem sih, tapi puji Tuhan, 4 bulan ini adalah bulan-bulan penuh syukur, penyesuaian, belajar, dan perkenalan. Penuh syukur karena jika iseng-iseng throwback ke perjuangan selama pacaran, LDR from day 1 of dating, berjuang dapat restu hingga persiapan nikah, aku masih terharu banget.

Bandung, January 21st, 2021

Anyway, penyesuaian mungkin hal yang paling umum dialami sama semua newly weds; yang dulu cuman mikirin diri sendiri, sekarang ritme hidup dan segala keputusan harus mempertimbangkan kebutuhan dan kenyamanan pasangan. Nah, 4 bulan ini kira-kira seperti apa sih? 


1. Belajar Bareng

Nah, belajar ini nih yang seru banget buatku. Di awal pernikahan ini, belajar untuk kami adalah baik belajar tentang kehidupan #tsaahh... maupun literally belajar-try out-persiapan ujian. Sepertinya, hal paling awal yang mempersatukan kami dulunya adalah kesukaan kami untuk terus bersekolah. Klise sekali kan kedengarannya kan? haha...kesannya cupu dan kutu buku banget. Tapi enggak gituuuu...kalo aku pribadi, aku suka proses belajarnya tapi "benci" ujian, karna biasanya nilai ujianku pasti biasa-biasa aja, padahal belajarnya udah maksimal banget huhuhu... Kalo kenapa suamiku pengen sekolah terus, jawabannya pasti sangat filosofis dan visioner sodaraaaa...jadi kalo mau tau alasan dia ingin bersekolah lagi, ntar kita baca scholarship application essay-nya aja yaa 🙆. 


Sedikit curcol, dulu beliau PDKT ke aku ketika aku sedang persiapan ujian tugas belajar D4 di PKN STAN. Beliau jago matematika, jadi tiap hari dia selalu ngirimin 10 soal matematika via WA dan sekali 2 minggu buatin try out matematika untukku. Hingga akhirnya kami harus LDR karena aku harus kuliah ke Bintaro, dia masih terus menjadi teman belajar selama kuliah dan skripsian. Kami bahkan menjadi co-author dari jurnal publikasi pertama kami, puji Tuhan! Sekarang setelah nikah dan aku udah selesai kuliah, beliau yang pengen lanjut kuliah lagi dan jadi pemburu beasiswa. Hampir tiap malam kami belajar dan try out IELTS, nulis application essay dan ngawanin beliau ujian wawancara. I don't know why, dari setiap pengalaman bersama di awal pernikahan ini, momen-momen bermimpi dan berusaha untuk sekolah lagi adalah hal yang paling kunikmati. Puji Tuhan, dipertemukan dan dipersatukan dengan seseorang yang sama-sama pemimpi dan punya mimpi yang kurang lebih sama.


2. Kenalan

Perkenalan ini juga seru dan kadang bikin emosi naik turun. Selain berkenalan dengan suami dan keluarga besarnya, 4 bulan ini merupakan momen self-discovery buatku. Aku makin sadar kalo aku punya mood swing yang agak parah. Kalo dulu hidup sendiri, bete ya ga tersalurkan, ga ada yang nyadar juga. Berhubung sekarang udah hidup bersama dengan orang lain, ada momen-momen yang aku sedang capek, sensi atau lagi males ngobrol. Ternyata aku cukup sering tidak rasional haha...Having someone to live with for almost 24/7 is like having a CCTV, witnessing all your rain and rainbows. But, my CCTV is no regular CCTV, it's an upgraded version. It hugs, consoles and bears with me 😋. 


3. Balancing Everything

Sebelum nikah, aku tidak terikat dengan adat istiadat dan tradisi, ga punya kewajiban untuk ikut kondangan, perkumpulan, dll. Namun sejak nikah, aku "terpaksa" harus membiasakan diri dengan segala agenda-agenda tradisi dan sosial, terlebih karena aku sekarang berdomisili di kampung halaman, maka agendanya banyaaaakkk banget. Saat ini, aku kadang agak kelelahan dan pusing ngatur jadwal agar tetap bisa menghadiri berbagai acara nikahan, acara keluarga, dll tanpa mengorbankan waktu bekerja, ga izin-izin mulu dari kantor, tetap bisa perform dan berkarir. Boro-boro mikirin me time yang banyak kayak waktu masih lajang. Tapi aku bersyukur sih, setidaknya di minggu malam, aku bisa punya waktu buat diri sendiri untuk baca-baca, nulis diary, dll. Pak suami pun sepertinya udah tau polanya dan dia emang selalu bilang kalo kami berdua memang butuh space juga, so he makes sure that I'll let him know when I need some space, some time alone.

Weekend and libur? it's kebaya and kondangan time dong guys💃


4. 
Bingung dan Membego Bersama

Other than all the things above, kita masih banyak bingung dan begonya haha...Banyak rencana dan kerinduan, tapi yah dijalanin aja dlu. We're taking one thing at a time, we don't have figure out everything all at once. Puji Tuhan, sekarang bisa berdoa bareng. Setiap kali kita pengen A, kita bisa doain bareng biar Tuhan yang mempertajam apakah emang sebaiknya kami melakukan A sekarang, nanti dulu atau ga usah dulu deh. Selain itu, kita juga masih bersama orang tua, masih ada yang bisa nuntun dan nangkep kalo-kalo kita salah langkah trus oleng haha..


Oh ya, unlike other typical young wives yang begitu nikah mendadak hobi masak-masak gitu, aku malah belum pernah masak sendiri sejauh ini, masih sebatas bantu-bantuin mama mertua dan kakak aja di dapur. Setiap keluarga itu punya cara masak dan selera sendiri, maka sejago-jagonya kita masak di rumah sendiri, pasti akan jadi kayak orang ga bisa masak di rumah orang lain. Nah, aku saat ini sedang di fase itu, di dapur mama mertuaku, I'm still a rookie, a newbie haha...Berhubung aku lebih banyak di kantor dan dampingin suami ngerjain kegiatan ekstrakurikulernya, I don't invest much time in the kitchen and I don't think that I will upgrade to a higher class anytime soon. But I won't sweat it, I believe that not being a masterchef  doesn't make me less of a woman, less of a good wife. Semoga tetap bisa jadi penolong yang baik ☺


Well, senang deh akhirnya bisa random post lagi, berasa accomplished dan produktif banget haha...Sudah rinduuuu sekali bisa ngetik-ngetik lagi, mudah-mudahan bisa berkomitmen untuk rajin lagi haha....


More stories to come y'all,

Dian💑💓

Sunday, October 4, 2020

Don't Talk To Me Like That!

October 04, 2020 0 Comments
"There are people around us who has the most damaging mouths and we know that by the time we get around them, we're gonna be damaged, we're gonna be slammed. They don't even hide it, they wear it like a badge. It's almost like an entitlement that they hurt other people." - Jimmy Evans on Marriage Today.

I was in a "throwback" mood when I was going through my old journal and stumbled upon a note of Jimmy Evans' sermon that I wrote on Wednesday, May 6th 2020. Apparently, I was having an anger issue and trying to self-assess what caused this whistling-ready-to-explode-teapot-I had in my chest. I usually found my journal as a sanctuary for me. Whenever I felt like bottling an emotion, journaling helped sorting things out and calmed me down. I built this system in order to avoid venting my rage. Sometimes, on my lucky days, I could choose to control myself. But, when I couldn't, I am the dumbest and the sharpest-tongued person. Just like what Jimmy Evans said about the damaging mouths, my words hurt. 

Right before listening to Jimmy Evans' sermon, I was having all these questions in my head, "How people can be so feisty and mean with their mouths? What's in their heads? Who hurt them? Why can I be so hurt only by words? Why do they keep resounding in my head?". I was asking with my finger pointing out without realizing that I have the same exact tendency with my mouth when I rage.

Well, I wrote the whole sermon but here are my takeaways.
  • Parents are the most profound influence in children. We have a tendency to do what our parents did even when we don't like it.
  • Our past shapes our present. If we have a bad way of talking, where do we get it? From our own home, school, inner circle? Have we seen on movies, read it somewhere? etc.
  • Hurt people hurt people. Those with the sharpest tongues, meanest mouths, coldest hearts could be the people with wounded hearts. They harm others to hide how fragile and vulnerable they really are. It's like a self-defense system, kill before you get killed!
It seems like Jimmy was suggesting to blame our parents, family, loved ones for all the bad emotions we've been bottling up. But no!

What he was saying was we can be the ends of all the damage and disfunctions in our family, community, and etc. Forgiveness is the key. We don't wanna carry trash and give it to others, especially to our children, if we're planning to have one(s). We forgive the people and the event. We can always choose to dispose all the toxins and move on with our life. It is healthier for us to stop the anger reside within us and hurt other people through us.

Finished reading the story of the day, I turned the pages and read the next stories. Well, listening to Jimmy and writing the sermon didn't simply settle things down and make me a more composed, forbearing person. There were still some ugly days down the road. But at least, I now have a better understanding of why people do what they do, including why I act and react the way I do.

As I said before, journaling is a system I built to elaborate and analyze my feeling. Do I have a right to feel, think and react in a certain way. I always try my best to not vent, but when I do, I always and always thank my father for his wide-as-the-ocean heart. I love him for his forbearance and aspire to have the littlest size of his big heart.
This photo was taken in 2015 while Bapak was visiting me in Jakarta.
Bapak's visits meant good food, new clothes and make up from Mama👪


With love,
Dian💛

Friday, September 18, 2020

Wow, Mewah Sekali Hidupku!

September 18, 2020 1 Comments

Hampir 6 bulan ngekos di Senen dan aku belum merasa pewe juga. Apa ya yang kusuka disini? Lingkungannya padat penduduk, kos-kosan mahal, kamar/rumah yang sempit dan biaya hidup tinggi. Saking sedihnya harus pindah dari Bintaro kesini, pertama kali aku menginjakkan kaki di kamar kosan baru, aku nangis. Nangisnya ga bentar sis, putus-nyambung kayak hubunganmu dengannya😜. 


Satu-satunya yang menjadi alasanku untuk stay disini ya karena jaraknya yang cuman 20 menit jalan kaki ke kantor, tanpa harus ngojek atau ngangkot. Di masa pandemi ini, nglaju dari Bintaro tercinta, naik krl dan ojol, bukan pilihan yang tepat buatku.


Ngomong-ngomong tentang pilihan, baru-baru ini aku menyadari betapa "mewah"nya hidupku. Alkisah, aku ada keperluan yang mengharuskan aku untuk pulang kampung dan mengunjungi beberapa kota. Seperti yang kita ketahui bersama, pemerintah mengharuskan penumpang pesawat untuk melakukan rapid test/PCR sebelum terbang. Maka, jadilah aku yang hampir ga pernah ngeliat matahari ini, harus keluar kosan menuju klinik untuk rapid test.


Btw, sejauh ini, aku cukup berusaha untuk disiplin mengikuti protokol kesehatan selama pandemi COVID-19. Aku ga pernah naik transportasi umum kecual pesawat karna emang ga punya pilihan lain. Selain itu, aku kemana-mana selalu jalan kaki atau mesen g*car dan gr*bcar. Walaupun harus mengeluarkan duit lebih banyak untuk naik blablabla-car, tapi lagi-lagi, saat ini ojek bukan pilihan yang tepat buatku.


Dari dalam mobil menuju klinik, aku dibukakan matanya akan betapa mewahnya sebuah pilihan. Ketika aku bisa memilih untuk naik transportasi yang nyaman dan cenderung aman, ada orang-orang yang terpaksa harus naik kendaraan umum demi bisa makan dan syukur-syukur nabung. Ketika aku bisa memilih untuk tetap stay di kosan yang belum bisa membuatku pewe iniiiii, ada orang yang tidak memiliki pilihan sama sekali selain harus menantang risiko di luar rumah untuk bekerja.  Di kala aku mulai kewalahan dengan kerjaan yang semakin bertambah, ada orang-orang yang kebingungan mau kerja dimana sekarang. 


Wow, mewah sekali hidupku!


Trus aku mau cerita lagi.


Beberapa hari yang lalu, tunanganku nelfon (Oh ya, I'm engaged now. We'll get to that later 😊). Dia cerita tentang kegiatannya berkunjung dan ngawasin pelaksanaan Sensus Penduduk 2020 di Nias (Yes! We're Jakarta-Nias apart 🤷). Jadi katanya, ada petugas sensus yang harus jalan kaki sejauh 8 km ke dalam hutan untuk mendata keluarga-keluarga yang tinggal di kebun. Keluarga-keluarga itu hidup di gubuk, tanpa listrik, tanpa sinyal internet dan makan seadanya dari kebun mereka. Trus percakapan selanjutnya kira-kira seperti ini:

👩: "Ih kok sedih kali dengarnyaaaa..."

👨: " Loh, emang kau ga pernah melihat atau mendengar kesusahan hidup yang seperti itu?"

👩: "Pernahlaah..di Jakarta malah lebih parah sebenarnya. Cuman ya sedih aja kalo diceritain lagi"


Diceritain lagi, makanya sedih. Kalo ga diceritain, ya lupa. 


Lupa kalo hidupku ini mewah banget.


Kamu juga sering lupa kan?Hehehe...


Udah ahh...udah jam 8 malam. Aku mau buka Excel lagi, lanjutin kerjaan, sampe ngantuk, trus tidur dan besok bangun pagi sambil ngeluh-ngeluh betapa kerjaan kok ga ada habis-habisnya.



Cheers,






Friday, July 10, 2020

Waiting On The Light

July 10, 2020 0 Comments
I've been watching Say Yes to The Dress Show on Youtube a little too much to the point that I started contemplating it. I love the show for the show, not because I'm dreaming of getting myself into one of the dresses. Apart from the fact that I DO dream of being in one, I love how this dress shopping thingy can reflect the way life operates.

At the beginning of each episode, the brides come with the ideas of the dresses they wanted, but end up falling in love with other dresses that are the opposite of their early preferences. They don't even look good in the dresses they've been dreaming of. They didn't expect if they will love other dresses.

On the other hand, the brides' entourage can be a safe haven or a pain in the neck. They are the families, best friends, bridesmaids and even the fiancees. For those with the best attitudes, they can be so supportive of the brides. But some people forget that the whole dress shopping thing is not about them but the brides. The lines may be scripted, but I'm pretty sure that the drama can happen in real life, too.

I've been thinking that maybe that's what happens to us most of the time. Just like the brides coming with the ideas of a perfect dress, we're so opinionated on what's best for us and it's throwing us off when the reality doesn't approve to our aspiration. We just can't see it now, we will only understand it till everything is done and all the puzzles are put together.

I have realized that I can't be more disappointed with anybody than to the ones closest to me. This also means that I might have hurt my beloved ones without realizing it. The fact that I care for them and want only the best for them can turn out to be an insensitive deed toward the receiver. Being a people pleaser myself, I often found myself on the receiving end.

Earlier this year, I had ideas of how my 2020 will be. I had plans, I was so excited about it. But then pandemic happened and everything shifted. It's funny that during the lockdown, everything is in a pause but ever-changing at the same time. Everything is adrift without certainty when to anchor. I was a little thrown off when the reality didn't fit into my imagination, and I'm still thrown off sometimes. But this Say Yes to The Dress Show somehow opened my mind. I might have pictures of my ideal future, but that might not what suits me the best. Maybe all the shifts, everything that's been holding me up from what I thought is ideal, is actually what's perfect for me. I just don't know it yet.

To be honest, it's hard to stay positive when the situation surrounding me now is not so encouraging, but I'm taking one step at a time. I'm so pushing myself not to be responsive and take as much time as I need to process everything. These days may be the darkest of the dark, but I close my eyes every night believing that help will come before the dawn. And how do I tell if it's dawn? The Light! I wait on The Light; I hope you do, too 🙂.

Photo by Christine Tutunjian on Unsplash

Thursday, April 16, 2020

Behind Your Closed Door

April 16, 2020 2 Comments
You're the girl in the gown, made your way to the town.
On the cobblestones, you moaned,
"This is perfect," you think, "finally a life of my own"
That one thing of yours that had been long pawned.

Community failed, friends betrayed, family was a colonnade, you exclaimed.
You escaped so you can forget.
In your former life, you used to have a maid.
Here, you make your own bed.

Oh, what a sweet a girl you are.
You sing with your guitar.
You wave from afar.
You have fun at the bar.

But hey, are you always that composed?
Why is your door always closed?
Distance is imposed.
Nothing is exposed.

You despise the daylight,
As if it were a plight.
You only function in the night
When nothing is under the limelight.

Are you even genuinely happy?
Cause you seem a little scrappy.
You sound raspy
Though you do try to look haughty.

Are you fighting a war?
Or struggling in your core.
Who makes you sore?
Tell me what's behind that closed door!

Relax, I won't even ask you first.
I'll just let you thirst
Till you want to burst,
Ready to curse.

Bintaro, April 16th 2020
Dian❤
Photo by Timur M on Unsplash

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

My Heart Goes To Palu

October 03, 2018 0 Comments
Jumat, 28 September 2018. TGIF. Hari kebebasan, kata orang kantoran. Setelah 5 hari jadi budak korporat, lagi-lagi kata orang kantoran (word, sorry), akhirnya weekend datang juga. Tapi ya sebahagia apapun kamu, ga ada bedanya dengan Jumat lalu dan Jumat yang akan datang. Orang-orang akan berjibaku berhari-hari hanya untuk kemudian sama-sama bersorak TGIF lagi.

Tapi Jumat ini beda. Setidaknya untuk orang-orang yang saat itu sedang asik nonton tv di rumah dengan keluarganya dan 5 menit kemudian semua berubah. Rumahnya mendadak rata dengan tanah, keluarganya tercerai-berai dibawa gelombang ombak yang tanpa diundang bertamu ke daratan dan sejak saat itu hidupnya takkan pernah sama.

Jumat, 28 September 2018 sore, gempa dan tsunami menghantam Donggala, Palu.

Pagi ini aku mendapat email masuk dari sebuah NGO. Disitu dikatakan bahwa korban jiwa sudah mencapai 1.203 jiwa dan ada kemungkinan jumlahnya akan terus bertambah. Tiap kali nyalain tv, semua channel memberitakan tentang kondisi terbaru di tenda pengungsian, rumah sakit, rumah ibadah, bandara, proses evakuasi korban meninggal dan luka-luka. Kok rasanya hancur banget ya liat penderitaan mereka. Setiap ada pemberitaan tentang Donggala, aku pasti selalu tanpa sadar udah nangis sedih aja sambil dalam hati ngomong, "makasih, Tuhan".

Palu. Sumber: https://www.liputan6.com/news/read/3656762/2-figur-heroik-di-balik-gempa-tsunami-palu-dan-donggala
Hah?kok makasih?
I'll tell you later.

Ada satu lagi yang bikin hati rasanya teriris. Kisah tentang Antonius Gunawan, seorang air traffic controller AirNav Indonesia, yang mengorbankan dirinya untuk memastikan pesawat Batik Air yang dipandunya dapat lepas landas dengan selamat (baca disini). Dia memilih tetap di menara meskipun saat itu sedang terjadi gempa dan akhirnya wafat dalam tugas. Hal pertama yang terlintas di pikiranku saat membaca tentang beritanya adalah "bagaimana dengan mamanya? betapa hancurnya hati mamanya ditinggal oleh anaknya yang luar biasa mulianya ini". Tapi yah, semua orang di dunia ini punya misi dan panggilan masing-masing dan Antonius Gunawan telah berhasil menyelesaikannya. Hidupnya telah menjadi berkat bagi ratusan bahkan ribuan orang.

Tenang bersama Bapa, dear Antonius Gunawan. Kau akan selalu dikenang dan kasihmu kepada sesama akan menjadi teladan.

Sumber: https://kalteng.antaranews.com/berita/288159/jenazah-petugas-atc-antonius-gunawan-disemayamkan-di-makassar
Akhir-akhir ini Indonesia sering sekali dilanda bencana alam. Kejadian terakhir sebelum ini adalah gempa di Lombok. Belum sembuh luka karena bencana di Lombok, terjadi lagi gempa dan tsunami di Palu. I can always relate to these stories. Mungkin karena itulah aku selalu emosional tiap membaca, menonton dan mendengar berita tentang gempa Palu ini.

28 Maret 2005 malam sekitar pukul 22.30 WIB, gempa berkekuatan 8,7 SR mengguncang Pulau Nias. Tanah kelahiranku, tanahku dibesarkan. Saat itu aku masih berumur 12 tahun dan duduk di kelas 1 SMP. Aku masih benar-benar ingat setiap hal yang kualami ketika gempa itu terjadi. Bagaimana kami sekeluarga terpisah-pisah, adik-adikku yang terkunci di kamar dan pasrah tak bisa keluar karna tempat tidur yang bergeser-geser, bapak dan adikku yang bersembunyi di tempat tidur agak tidak tertimpa lemari. Malam itu, seluruh warga berlari menuju gunung dan kami melihat bagaimana api menjalar dan membakar kota. Kami juga mendengar beberapa kali ledakan. Malam itu, semua tampak begitu gelap tapi juga terang benderang.

sumber: https://www.kompasiana.com/java05_gheeyahoo.com/552adbf2f17e61d04bd623a9/tsunami-kedua-menghempas-nias
Aku bersyukur kepada Tuhan atas segala kasihnya kepadaku dan keluarga. Bahkan di saat gempa dan tidur di biara suster selama hampir seminggu, tidur di halaman tetangga 2 minggu, tidur di tenda depan rumah selama 3 bulan, kami masih diberi kesempatan untuk menikmati berkat-Nya hingga saat ini. Kami beruntung, rumah kami tidak rusak parah seperti orang lain, tapi kami memilih untuk tetap di tenda karena trauma akan gempa susulan dan isu tsunami yang membuat kami beberapa kali berlari ke gunung tiap ada gempa susulan.

Sekarang tau kan kenapa aku malah bilang "makasih, Tuhan"?

Life goes on. Sudah 13 tahun berlalu sejak kejadian di malam itu. Kota kami sudah lama pulih kembali, hidup kami pun sudah lama tertata kembali. Tapi ternyata kenangan akan kejadian itu akan tetap utuh di ingatan kami. Setiap tahun masyarakat di Pulau Nias memperingati terjadinya gempa Nias. Setiap orang dengan segala kisahnya, setiap orang dengan kisah kehilangannya dan setiap orang dengan puji syukurnya.

Lagi-lagi, aku beruntung. Tuhan baik padaku. Gempa tak mengambil apapun dariku, justru memberiku sesuatu, pengalaman dan hati yang penuh terimakasih kepada-Nya. Aku pikir, setelah 13 tahun berlalu, aku akan melupakan kejadian malam itu. Ternyata belum dan sepertinya tidak akan pernah. Aku masih selalu menitikkan air mata melihat mereka yang mengalami penderitaan dan ketakutan kami dulu.

Saudara, aku tau kesakitan yang kau rasakan saat ini. Kata-kata penyemangat memang tak ada gunanya saat ini, tapi bersabarlah saja, ini pasti akan berlalu. Tanganku tak dapat meraihmu tapi aku tau doaku bisa.

My heart goes to Palu.
Dian ♥




Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Twenties and The Quarter Life Crisis

April 25, 2018 0 Comments
It's sooo cold outside and I'm crawling in my office chair with my jacket, socks and neck pillow. Office hour is over, I could go home anytime but the weather gives me this weird feeling. That weird feeling when you realize something is off, but you have no idea what it is. It's like something is missing, but you're not sure if it really is missing or it's just something you never had.

This reminds me of the night talk I had with my friends last week. I don't know what happen to the world outside of this wall I built for myself, but all of a sudden, all my closest friends including my brother was talking about their confusion, dissatisfaction, relationship issues, how they wish everything was different and how everything pushed them to the brink of anxiety.

Well, I am no capable in consulting people with their problems.  The only way I could do was being their chat buddy, staying awake with them till 2 a.m, listening to them and telling them that everything is gonna be okay.

I myself, was struggling with anxiety last couple of months, thus I can relate to them and have empathy to what they're going through. Thank goodness I am surrounded with the love of family and the support of friends who are just one Whatsapp chat away, and suddenly I'm not alone anymore. They're my bubble. They keep me safe, untouched, unscratched.

I notice the same theme from all the stories of my friends and mine. We're in our early twenties, passionate, fascinated with happiness and success, new to our work, career and to pretty much everything. And according to my online search, and long and deep discussions with my other friend, we're in our Quarter Life Crisis!

So, what's quarter life crisis?

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/quarter-life-crisis-age-most-likely-job-work-relationships-linkedin-career-house-money-a8054616.html
What are the signs that we're having quarter life crisis?

Well, each individual has different experience and there are so many articles online listing 10 or 15 or 25 signs of quarter life crisis. But let me infer according to our experience:
  • You're so determined. You want to achieve more that's why you  become so hard on yourself, put too much pressure on yourself
  • Fearing to fail
  • You avoid expectation and disappointment
  • Your work is boring and you're not sure if you're on the right track
  • You're anxious all the time. Then, you're anxious for being anxious all the time. Multiple anxiety!
  • You're stuck between being in charge of everything in your life (cause you have trust issue) and surrendering everything to divine intervention
  • You're so sick of people telling you what to do, but you always obey, then you end up feeling trapped and betrayed
  • There's a volcano of anger inside of you and ready to erupt anytime
  • Everybody's having their life together, except you 
  • Detachment and the feeling of not fitting in
  • You avoid discussion about your personal life cause you know you're so easily irritated lately
  • You wish everything was different
  • You don't know whether you should be dating and having casual fun or looking for the one and settling down cause everybody tells you something different
  • The last thing you want in your life right now is emotional attachment cause you're afraid of getting hurt again
  • and the list goes on. 
 Who are the ones likely to "suffer" from this kind of crisis?

https://lifehacker.com/how-to-overcome-your-quarter-life-crisis-1782670670
 See? mid twenties!

Where'd you get it?
https://lifehacker.com/how-to-overcome-your-quarter-life-crisis-1782670670

 How to overcome this crisis?
https://lifehacker.com/how-to-overcome-your-quarter-life-crisis-1782670670
I couldn't agree more to what's written in the article. I write a lot when I feel down. I did this even before reading those articles about quarter life crisis. I also bought books (and still do) about anxiety and self-help. I read a lot, I even read the bible not necessarily because I'm religious but because I'm in search  of inner peace, I need to calm myself down. Both writing and reading are so therapeutic for me.

The books that I've been reading right now are "Anxious for Nothing" by Max Lucado and "The Subtle Art of  Not Giving A Fuck" by Mark Manson, and "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris is still in queue. I don't know if they would help. I don't even care if they're relevant. As I said before, I'm in search.

I also talk to people I trust, whom I know won't judge me, won't see me less normal. I love talking to my brother, Paul, and chatting with closest friends. People need to share their thought, their burden. Sometimes we don't need solution, all we need is to be heard.

So, for those who of you who can relate with this condition, you should know that you are not alone on this and it's normal to have anxiety. You don't have to be anxious for being anxious😉. Everybody's going through or at least has been through a crisis unless you're a non-achiever and not willing to elevate. Everybody is fighting their own battle other people know nothing about(that's why we should always be kind).

One day, you'll stop and look behind, "Man, I was so stressed out back then, but I made it. I came out just fine" 

Hold on, you'll get through this and everything will fall to places. 

Lots of love,

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Solideo - Singing Out of Love

March 29, 2018 0 Comments
I remember back to the day when I received my first work placement letter. I got KPPN Gunungsitoli, which meant Nias Island, my hometown. Instead of being super happy, I cried. I wasn't ready to give up my social life in the big city. I was afraid of being not able to fit in with new society and their whatsoever standards.

But turned out, being in a "new" place wasn't that bad after all. I made friends with new and old friends here. And the ones that I am so grateful for are my fellows in my church choir, Solideo. I've been in this choral group for 2 years now and I should say that this group is my sweet escape from work hustle and bustle. It helps me staying sane and balancing work and social life.

Vivi's wedding day. Went all the way to Lahewa only to sing on her special day
Focus, please😜
With The Bishop, Father Ludovicus Simanullang, OFMCap
Kak Imel's Wedding. We tried so hard to not cry while singing
I joined this group was not necessarily cause I'm good at singing and I have good voice. It was merely cause I loved singing but not confident enough to sing solo. So being in a choir is always something I opt for. I've been always a choir member since I was in Junior High School. The only time when I was not one was when I was in college. I private tutored Elementary to High School students back then, thus I didn't have any spare time for another extracurricular.

Not really good at singing, let alone reading notes, so it's pretty safe for me to say that I sing out of love 💛
Not only do we sing, but also we have fun together 😎
I've seen more things done by love within these 2 years. Some friends of mine are members of two choirs at the same time. They have to juggle with family, work and schedules and often I find them looking so tired especially during Christmas and Easter. Yet they do it anyway cause they love it. When I asked them, "Aren't you guys too tired being in 2 choirs? Why not just drop one and focus on the other one?". They just said, "No, cause it's fun and we enjoy it".

Some of my choir friends are school and college students. Instead of setting aside some of their time rehearsing, they could just hang out with their friends, or study or private tutor for money just like how I did when I was in college. But no, they choose to invest their time doing what they love doing.

Other ones amuse me even more. They are moms and dads who are undoubtedly have enough things to take care of in their houses, yet they still give time to sing their heart out with us. And surprisingly, they are more punctual than some of us who are still single (especially me). So, besides being friends, they are also role models for me that age, family and marriage is not an obstacle for you to self develop and do what you love doing. And of course, to appreciate time more. 

I'm gonna end this story with a literally real love story and in order to make it even more real, I'm gonna tell it in Bahasa. This was a conversation my choir friends had last week, before Palm Sunday Mass.

Bang Roy: "Eh, Mak Jos. Kata Bang Pasaribu, dia kagumlah sama kau dan suamimu, Pak Jos. Masih setia mendampingi dan membimbing paduan suara Solideo ini"

Mak Jos: "Gimana ya, Bang. Kalo kami berhenti, aku dan Pak Jos jadi ingat, kalo kami dulu jumpa di paduan suara ini. Makanya sedih kalo sampai berhenti"

We wouldn't meet and fall in love at each other if it's not because of this choir. So, it would be so sad if we give up on this.  -Mak Jos-
Mak Jos and Pak Jos. Aren't they the sweteeeesstt? Marriage goal💖💖💖

I was there hearing that conversation and automatically exclaimed "Oooohh..so sweet". My reaction may seem spontaneous but the impression that I got was deep. I wouldn't bother writing this post if I was not touched by that answer. I mean, if you can't see love in that answer, I don't know what else can you see?


Wednesday, March 21, 2018

"Tanggal Cantik"

March 21, 2018 0 Comments
21-03- 2018.

Today, out of nowhere, I was thinking that on this very day, 5 years ago, could be a perfect day to do something good. Well, I know that we are all taught that we should always do good everyday. But what I mean by "something" is things you never think you'd do before, something daring and challenging like starting a new business, hiking or jumping off a cliff, starting a conversation to someone you've been secretly stalked and infatuated with or anything special that you'd like to remember.

21-03-2013, nice combination of number, isn't it?

Lucky numbers, high hopes.
Well not everybody think the same way, but perhaps in Indonesia, some people still think that there are such good days, good dates, lucky numbers, "tanggal cantik" and so on. Therefore, many people would choose those particular days and dates to get married, to give birth (C-section), to propose to the girlfriends (or boyfriends) or to confess love. Ya, I know I sound cheesy but I bet some people would smile and nod with me on this 🙂

http://blog.apastyle.org/apastyle/numbers-and-metrication/

So, tell me what did you do on this day, 5 years ago?

There's nothing wrong about stopping for a while and reflecting your life on this -not christmas nor new year nor your birthday- day. How far you've been walking within this 5 years, your accomplishment, your loss and what it taught you, how far you've changed, and have you become the person you wished you would become 5 years later?

I personally had nothing special happening on 21-03-2013. Too many things occured all the way from March 21,2013 to March 21,2018. It's a little impossible to recall everything date by date. But I think, I can still remember some of the in-betweens.

Life has done me wonders. It's been a hell of a ride. There were some days when I jumped so high and there were some days I had to stoop so low to gather my pieces. The person I am now wasn't exactly the person I tought I would become. I've changed quite a lot in terms of thinking, vision, behavior, commitment and many more. I've grown.

Early this morning, I opened up my diary again and found out my bucket list I wrote several years ago. Some were ticked, some were still empty. Some were still relevant, some made me wonder what  I was thinking when I wrote them 😜

Now back to you, what did you do on this day, 5 years ago?




Ps:
It's funny that I ended up this post with a question because apparently nobody's gonna read this post anyway, so nobody's gonna answer. And I think that's the good thing of having my own blog. I can express my thought without worrying of flooding people's social media homepage with my long random rant. It's like running and rolling and jumping on your own lawn.

But if you happen to read this, then thanks a lot!

Warmest hugs all the way from here to there,
Dian 💕



Thursday, February 22, 2018

Worry Not, Soul!

February 22, 2018 4 Comments

This was us at Bungsu's babtism and Paul insisted on wearing the new helmet during Sunday Mass. He "ruined" our first family photo but now it is one of our funny memories and this photo is definitely all family members' favorite.

Remember when you’re still kids? What did scare you the most? What was your deepest fear?

Well, mine was sleeping alone.
I remembered sleeping together with my mom, dad and my four little brothers in one bed every night. Some kids slept parallelly with my parents, others would be sleeping above their heads and others below their feet. Any sparse area would be filled with mom and dad as the center. 

When I was 4, our bodies grew bigger and the bed didn’t fit us anymore. So, my dad placed another bed in the bedroom, for me and one of my brothers. They arranged those beds lengthwise, so we could sleep head to head with my parents. Every night, they put the two of us in the bed and at midnight, my brother would move back to my parents bed and left me alone. I could’t sleep afterwards, the only thing that would put me back to sleep was my dad’s outstretched hand from their bed, holding my hand all night long.

While I was in elementary and middle school, my biggest anxiety was merely undone homeworks and pop quizzes. 

Growing up as a teenage, I was active and involved in many school activities but deep inside, I was the shy girl who never felt good enough about herself. I didn’t fit in any group therefore I would be the one standing alone at the edge of the field after a traditional dance rehearsal, or I would diffuse in the crowd with no one to talk to. I always felt so much behind the conversation. Perhaps, I was the nerdy girl among the social butterflies. 

The anxiety of being in the crowd grew deeper when I was in college. I didn’t know how to start a conversation and keep it up without a boring silence. Attending community made me tired instantly and being alone recharged me. I enjoyed the company of closed friends but not for a long time. 

As I grow older, I realized that all these years, I only worried about the present. I only worried about what made me comfortable and what not. I never thought of the past and the future.
I should become more certain and braver by now, as I age, but in fact, many more things thrill me. A pitch dark room scares me no more, I have no more homeworks and exams that will keep me up till dawn yet I have trouble sleeping and hesitation to decide.

I never know that the past can be so scary, let alone the future. Failures haunt me and everytime I try to start anew, the thought will play in my head on and on like a broken cassette. But if I don’t move on, if don’t push myself, if don’t challenge myself, what will I be?

I know what I want in life, it’s just that I’m too scared to fail again, till one day I picked this random book from a book shelf in Gramedia, 99 Wisdom by Gobin Vashdev. I fell in love with the way he elaborates his thought about life into encouraging words. And the one that I hold on to these days is


I think, I’ve been trying to carry too much baggage and it’s about time I will stumble upon it. So, I need to let go and travel light. 
I need to do what I need to do without too much worrying about the outcome, stop trying to control everything, anticipate every options and surrender the rest to Divine Intervention.

Luke 12:27-29
27 “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! 29 And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.
All these years, I have everything laid down in front of me just at the right time, never too early, never too late. The life I have now is nothing like what I had imagined when I was a kid. People from my childhood look at me with an awe for what I am right now. Life has treated me well so far. 

So, why worry so much, girl? 
Now, chin up and embrace the future! 👊💢




Ps: 99 Wisdom is the second book of Gobind Vashdev that I read. My first one was Happiness Inside and to be honest, I like the first one better than the second one. In my opinion, Gobind can tell the stories more lavishly in Happiness Inside while in 99 Wisdom, he is limited to elaborate the idea into shorter stories since he has to load 99 chapters into one book.  But either way, I love them both and I've been keeping these books at the edge of my bed along with my bible.