Here Today, There Tomorrow

Last week, I had nothing to do and then decided to rewatch a movie which made me “baper” for a few days when I first watched it. It's a damn imaginary yet realistic one cause unlike other traditional love dramas where the stories end exactly when two persons look into each others’ eyes and then say “I love you”, this movie told us the ugly truth: every love stories DO have happy ending, only maybe not with the person we’ve been imagining we would share the rest of our life with. Yet, the goal is to be happy, so we’ll be happy anyway. 

La La Land.

http://www.sundowncinema.co.uk/event/la/

I had to watch this movie twice to really contemplate and understand the messages this movie delivered instead of being “baper” only.  At first, I wished what happened to Sebastian and Mia would never happen to me. Why should I waste all my time and energy nurturing something that is not gonna last forever? Why should I give all my heart to someone who’s not gonna stay till the end? Who wants to be broken hearted? Who wants to be hurt? Sebastian and Mia were deeply into each other. They support each other, they would fight every once in a while, they criticize each other, and then they would love again. They were there for each other when they were nothing. But then, the urge to pursue their dream career got between them. They had to undergo a long distance relationship. Time and communication became rare. The way they perceived things becomes so much different and as time went by, they became like debris floating on the ocean, the wind blew them to different direction and they got separated.

La La Life.

But after the second time watching it, I started questioning myself.  “Do I really not want what Mia and Sebastian had in La La Land?” Well, apparently I DO want to be like her. Years after splitting up, Mia became a super star, pictures of her were everywhere, she also married an apparently much more mature guy, had a beautiful daughter together, big house and romantic marriage life since they still managed to go on dates even after being husband and wife. Sebastian, on the other hand, finally opened his dream cafe where he could play jazz, just like what he's been dreaming of. They split up but they did have their own happy ending. 

The more we live life, the more we understand that there are so many things that we can’t control including relationships. The more we try to take control and plan, the more it’ll slip away from our hand.  

We don’t own our life. GOD DOES! We never know what the future holds, He never ask us to figure it out either, He only wants us to trust. 

So no matter what happens to us along the way, we just need to keep moving. He’ll lead us to the promised land and give what’s best for us.

At this very moment, I'd like to congratulate a very dear friend of mine, Kak Imel, whom only by His grace, tied the knot last week. Whose life was not always ~~La..La..La..~~yet finally turned out to be a real life La La Land. Who’s been falling and failing a hundred times and got up a hundred plus one times, who’s been waiting joyfully for the right man to arrive at the right time and putting all hopes in His hands only. Who’s been like Sara praying for her Tobit and like Ruth waiting for her Boas, whose story inspired me so much.

Thank you for never losing hope in Him and encouraging us to never lose one.

Lastly, May God shower you and family with love and blessing and strengthen you to your new journey of life.

Lots of love,

Dian

"Okay, jaga kesehatan yaa... aku pamit. Terimakasih dan maaf yaa.."

"Iya, gapapa. Sama-sama."

Tuutt..tuutt.. they hung up.

Suddenly she felt like her body shrunk into ant size and everything got bigger. It was like standing in a round movie theater, with giant screens surrounding her. She remembered this place, or at least she remembered the feeling of being in a place like this. Somewhere like Planetarium Taman Ismail Marzuki or Griffith Observatory, where Sebastian and Mia danced together in La La Land. Everything that happened to her within these past years played in those screens, the places, food, music, movies, faces, laughter, sadness, and everything.

Her heart became so heavy, it dropped into her belly. She really wanted to cry, to let it out, but nothing came out of her throat. It was 11 pm and her parents were sleeping in the next room and she was crying in silence, here, in her bedroom. She hugged her pillow thightly, pressed it to her chest cause that’s where she ached the most. She didn’t try to cover up her mouth cause even open air would not suffice to fill her lungs.

All night long she was wallowing in self-pity.

"Weren't you the one who came miles and miles away to come see me and then asked for second chance?"

"Weren't you the one convince me to start anew, leave the past behind and start preparing for the future?"

"What did I do wrong?"

"Was it my sharp tongue?"

"Was it because I’m different?"

"Was I not worth fighting for?"

"What if I didn’t do that?"

"What if I didn’t say this?"

She was left with so many “what ifs”, bereft of self-esteem.

She knew that when she gets too attached to something (or someone), she gives part of her to it (or him or her). That’s why when she loses it, she feels incomplete cause it brings that part of her away. For a moment, she will not feel whole anymore. That’s what makes losing so hard.

Try cut yourself with a knife? It’s painfull, isn’t it? 

That’s because you ripped your skin that was once connected as one whole layer, but not anymore.  You broke your tissue and then the cells around that wound die. Your nerves send signals to your brain that something’s wrong with your body.

And that’s, my friend, when  you start aching. 

Well, the explanation above could be wrong but what she was trying to say is, “the pain is derived from something that once was whole, connected, and then all of a sudden, not anymore”

Oh this feeling, she knew this feeling, it’s not new to her. She knew that the next few days, or weeks or months would be hard for her. She knew that she's not gonna make it to the office tomorrow. She knew that even the slightest thing that reminds her of those good old days would make her eyes teary. She would be a weeping, mourning, crying baby for she didn't know how long. 

She knew, she knew.

She's been through this before, she made it through, and she came out just fine. She knew that she’ll be ok, she knew that the pain will linger for a while but time would heal everything and she’d get over it. 

It’s her choice to think that this is the end of everything, the end of her happy days, to be deterrent to any goey romantic stories, to be cynical to love birds, to not trust anymore, that she wont’ find love anymore, that she doesn’t merit the happily-ever-after life. 

It’s all her choice.

But NO, my friend. She won’t choose to be bitter.

Just like a wound, she would let it bleed, she would let it scab for a while. A broken heart is like dead skin cells around ripped skin. It’ll be replaced by new cells and form a new layer of skin.

It might leave some scars on her skin, she might notice it in the future, but the pain won’t be there anymore.

There's no hatred, there's no revenge. This is nobody's fault. And even if somebody has to take the blame, it's theirs. There's no way that this is the responsibility of one party. It takes two to tango. It's just that they were not dancing in the same tempo and rhythm anymore and it's for the best that they stopped. It doesn't matter who quitted first cause she herself, is not a quitter. Even if she knew that they didn't sync anymore, she still wouldn't quit. She just didn't have the heart to do it. At least that's what she learns about herself from her previous relationships. So, maybe one day, she'll be thankfull for him for taking the brave step.

She guess this is what is called a closure. When she finally finds peace and contentment within herself. Ya, there are some mornings when she wakes up with heavy and groggy feeling, but she embraces that feeling. 

There are still some nights when she was watching cartoon movie, she should be laughing but she cries for no particular reason, instead. But, she sleeps over that feeling anyway.

It took her weeks till she could figure everything out and gathered her pieces. She decided to write again not to flaunt her personal life, but as a theraphy. Do you know what Mr. BJ Habibie did to ease the pain of losing his late loving wife? He wrote. Do you know what Ary Yogeswari did after finding out that her ex husband cheated on her? She wrote. Do you know what JK Rowling did after divorce? She wrote. Well, she's not saying that she wants to be like them, what she's saying is sometimes people can become so much inspired when we are at our lowest point. Writing is also her favourite way to empty her heart and head, to release the burden and to teach her future self with her past.


Somebody once said to her, "what makes a woman, woman, is the secret" but for her, what makes a woman, woman, is her big heart. A big heart  to forgive herself and then forgive others, a big heart to apologize first, a big heart to acknowledge that people might disappoint you but only God's unfailing love that will never let you down, a big heart to accept that life is not always sun and rainbows, a big heart to achieve self contentment and inner peace, a big heart to deal with her own insecurities, a big heart to absorb all love and kindness till there's no more space for anger and hatred.

Two days ago, she opened her diary and found an encouraging quote that she wrote for herself years ago. She didn't know whether she just made it up or found it written by someone else in a book or online. But that quote is a damn good one.