Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts

Sunday, October 4, 2020

Don't Talk To Me Like That!

October 04, 2020 0 Comments
"There are people around us who has the most damaging mouths and we know that by the time we get around them, we're gonna be damaged, we're gonna be slammed. They don't even hide it, they wear it like a badge. It's almost like an entitlement that they hurt other people." - Jimmy Evans on Marriage Today.

I was in a "throwback" mood when I was going through my old journal and stumbled upon a note of Jimmy Evans' sermon that I wrote on Wednesday, May 6th 2020. Apparently, I was having an anger issue and trying to self-assess what caused this whistling-ready-to-explode-teapot-I had in my chest. I usually found my journal as a sanctuary for me. Whenever I felt like bottling an emotion, journaling helped sorting things out and calmed me down. I built this system in order to avoid venting my rage. Sometimes, on my lucky days, I could choose to control myself. But, when I couldn't, I am the dumbest and the sharpest-tongued person. Just like what Jimmy Evans said about the damaging mouths, my words hurt. 

Right before listening to Jimmy Evans' sermon, I was having all these questions in my head, "How people can be so feisty and mean with their mouths? What's in their heads? Who hurt them? Why can I be so hurt only by words? Why do they keep resounding in my head?". I was asking with my finger pointing out without realizing that I have the same exact tendency with my mouth when I rage.

Well, I wrote the whole sermon but here are my takeaways.
  • Parents are the most profound influence in children. We have a tendency to do what our parents did even when we don't like it.
  • Our past shapes our present. If we have a bad way of talking, where do we get it? From our own home, school, inner circle? Have we seen on movies, read it somewhere? etc.
  • Hurt people hurt people. Those with the sharpest tongues, meanest mouths, coldest hearts could be the people with wounded hearts. They harm others to hide how fragile and vulnerable they really are. It's like a self-defense system, kill before you get killed!
It seems like Jimmy was suggesting to blame our parents, family, loved ones for all the bad emotions we've been bottling up. But no!

What he was saying was we can be the ends of all the damage and disfunctions in our family, community, and etc. Forgiveness is the key. We don't wanna carry trash and give it to others, especially to our children, if we're planning to have one(s). We forgive the people and the event. We can always choose to dispose all the toxins and move on with our life. It is healthier for us to stop the anger reside within us and hurt other people through us.

Finished reading the story of the day, I turned the pages and read the next stories. Well, listening to Jimmy and writing the sermon didn't simply settle things down and make me a more composed, forbearing person. There were still some ugly days down the road. But at least, I now have a better understanding of why people do what they do, including why I act and react the way I do.

As I said before, journaling is a system I built to elaborate and analyze my feeling. Do I have a right to feel, think and react in a certain way. I always try my best to not vent, but when I do, I always and always thank my father for his wide-as-the-ocean heart. I love him for his forbearance and aspire to have the littlest size of his big heart.
This photo was taken in 2015 while Bapak was visiting me in Jakarta.
Bapak's visits meant good food, new clothes and make up from Mama👪


With love,
Dian💛
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# Family # Friends
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Tuesday, July 2, 2019

Last Day Of Exam At College

July 02, 2019 2 Comments
I was in a rush earlier this day, I needed to be on campus within 15 minutes when this Parachute's song lyric got me.  
"Life is what you leave behind. We could have had it all" .  

The idea of living life for the sake of what's left behind got me thinking that perhaps one of the purposes of living life are for the memories, either the ones that were left on us or the ones we left on others.

Today was our last exam at college. We still have another semester for thesis, so basically we're still gonna be around for the next 6 months. But there'll be no more class for us till graduation. Other than planned rendezvous with the classmates, we're pretty much doing it solo from now on. That's the sad part of the euphoria of last day of exam and yes-I-can-finally-sleep-to-my-heart-content.

Throwing back to the very first class  we had last year, I had nothing but fun, laughter and teasing one another on and on. Of course, there were never-ending-assignments, quizzes and exams along the way. There were days that I couldn't sleep soundly at night and I couldn't enjoy weekends in the way I should, still I enjoyed every second and every bit of this one year being back to college. 

One could wish to have all the good things in everything but adulting is about understanding that it's too celestial to ask for. None could have it all. "One thing at a time, Dian", that's how people usually put it on me. So ya, I enjoyed college and our classes that much. Having to be on our separate ways till graduation adds up to the implication of having "one thing at a time"

Well, if life is really all about what's left behind, I won't complain for leaving this behind.

Credit: @yuanggafp
Love y'all
Dian 💛💛
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# Bintaro # College
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Location: Bintaro, Pesanggrahan, South Jakarta City, Jakarta, Indonesia

Monday, November 19, 2018

A Gratitude Journal

November 19, 2018 0 Comments
Always go with the choice that scares you the most, because that's the one that is going to help you grow - Caroline Myss
 And here I am now, scared  yet psyched by my own choice.

Setelah hampir 3 tahun bertugas di kampung halaman, Pulau Nias, finally 3 September 2018 aku pindah kembali ke Pulau Jawa. "Finally" bukan karena aku tidak menikmati pekerjaanku selama ini, sebaliknya, aku justru di zona ternyaman selama 3 tahun terakhir sampai aku takut aku bakalan tenggelam dalam kenyamanan itu. Setelah penantian panjang, persiapan dan perjuangan bolak-balik sana sini, akhirnya aku mendapat kesempatan untuk melanjutkan kuliah di D4 Akuntansi STAN tahun 2018 ini.


Aduuuhh..sudah 3 bulan disini dan entah kenapa sampai sekarang tiap ingat bahwa aku bisa jadi mahasiswa di kampus ini lagi, aku otomatis ber-"terimakasih Bapa" dalam hati.

Alasan kenapa aku sampe segitu bersyukurnya bisa kuliah disini tuh ya karena sejak wisuda D3 dulu, aku memang bercita-cita untuk kembali lagi. Namun berhubung kuliah kembali disini berarti (1) bersaing dengan sesama STAN yang udah ketahuanlah ya gimana otak dan cara belajarnya, (2) yang diambil semakin sedikit, tahun-tahun sebelumnya ada 4 kelas untuk spesialisasi akuntansi dan 2 tahun terakhir hanya ada 2 kelas, (3) aku manusia sangat tau diri bahwa aku dulu mediocre dengan IPK mediocre sementara senior di atasku yang keterima di D4 STAN adalah rata-rata IPK dewa, (4) sudah kelamaan kerja dan ga nyentuh buku kuliah, ga tau mau belajar mulai dari mana.

Btw, aku dengan harapan yang luar biasa untuk bisa lanjut kuliah lagi ini sempat bikin aku gelisah berlebihan (thus my recent "galau" posts 😝). Selama hampir setahun, aku ga punya hal lain yang bener-bener sematerial "pengen D4". Soalnya tahun ini, pengumuman penerimaan calon mahasiswa tugas belajar sedikit agak lebih lama dibanding tahun-tahun sebelumnya. Kemudian, aku juga terlambat setahun untuk mencoba ujian D4 karena peraturan tertentu yang ga membolehkan aku nyoba. Perasaan "terlambat selangkah dibanding teman-teman yang lain" dan harapan setinggi langit itulah yang bikin anxiety-ku juga setinggi langit. Tapi puji Tuhan, sekitar bulan Mei (kalau ga salah), pengumuman penerimaan calon mahasiswa tubel keluar juga. 

Ngomong-ngomong tentang masa-masa anxious berlebihan, life plan ku bener-bener ga jauh-jauh dari D4, bahkan sampai apakah aku perlu membeli suatu barang, apakah aku harus ikut ajakan teman untuk travelling ke suatu tempat, apakah aku harus melakukan ABCD termasuk tentang keputusan terpenting sekalipun, itu selalu diputuskan berdasarkan "ini bakalan mengganggu plan buat kuliah lagi ga? ntar klo aku beli ini, duitku masih cukup ga buat persiapan bolak-balik ke Medan untuk ujian D4?". I was that obsessed and determined sampai akhirnya justru dekat-dekat ujian, aku merasa aku harus lebih nyantai kalau pengen berhasil. Soalnya gelisah terus-menerus justru bikin aku ga bisa fokus dan takutnya ntar ga bisa nerima kenyataan #tsaah... kalo ternyata hasilnya ga sesuai harapan

Dan akhirnya, disinilah aku, kembali berkutat dengan PR yang kok kayaknya ga habis-habisnya, trying to keep up dengan teman-teman sekelas yang pinter-pinter (bangga aku tuuuhh sekelas sama mereka), sembari menikmati hari-hari libur yang diakibatkan kelas cancel. Can't thank God enough for this opportunity, tiap ingat gimana aku ditemenin selama penantian,persiapan dan ujian-ujian, aku langsung malu sama diri-sendiri yang dulu kok kayaknya gelisah parah.

Aku juga ga akan bisa melupakan teman-teman terdekatku yang jadi tempatku berkeluh-kesah tentang persiapan D4, berbagi materi persiapan ujian, berbagi info try out online dan yang cuman "one-chat away" mendengarkan ceritaku tentang berbagai hal termasuk hal pribadi. Adik-adikku yang selalu jadi supporter terbesarku, khususnya Paul, yang selama 3 tahun terakhir, bukan cuman sebagai adik, tapi udah kayak sa.ha.bat. Ga ada hal yang terjadi di hidupku dan hal yang terlintas di pikiranku selama 3 tahun ini yang dia gatau. Dan asiknya, dia bisa banget diajak diskusi dan dia tipikal orang berpendirian namun terbuka dengan berbagai persepsi dan masukan. Jadi aku bisa ngmong apa aja, hal paling aneh dan ekstrim sekalipun, tanpa merasa di-judge atau aku yang berpikir "duh...dia ga akan ngerti nih".
You know what's funny? I forgot that my brothers are no longer kids that it's now their turn "brother-ing" me, instead of me "sister-ing" them. 
"Brother-ing" and "sister-ing", I'm not even sure if those are words but you know what I mean. Sekarang kita udah bisa saling menasehati, mendukung dan mendorong. Ga cuman aku sebagai kakak yang selalu ngasitau mana yang benar dan salah ke adik-adiknya. Thank God🙏

Aku juga bersyukur punya mama dan bapak yang walaupun sebenarnya berat hati membiarkan anaknya nyoba kuliah lagi (karna kalo lulus, aku merantau lagi), namun seperti mereka selama ini, mereka selalu mendukung anak-anaknya. Makanya sampai sekarang, aku tiap melakukan sesuatu, kalo mau bandel pun, sebisa mungkin jangan yang efeknya bakalan bikin mereka kecewa. Kasian soalnya, udah luar biasa supportive ke anak-anaknya, eh malah dihancurin kepercayaan dan harapannya (pikiran ini juga sih yang kadang bikin aku kesel ke mereka kalo kadang mereka ga percayaan ke aku. I was like "why won't you trust meeee?)

Trus, satu lagi. Ada berapa kali dalam hidup, kita merasa bahwa sesuatu yang awalnya kita pikir adalah halangan malah menjadi jalan? Aku lupa berapa kali aku ber-negative thinking ke sesuatu hal atau seseorang yang menurutku bakalan menghalangi aku menuju ke tujuan awalku. Tapi kali ini, aku memutuskan untuk tidak lupa.

Di tengah-tengah persiapanku untuk D4 ini, di kala aku merasa semua hal ga material harus disisihkan dulu untuk bisa kuliah lagi, ada orang yang awalnya aku rasa bakalan "menggangu" malah sebaliknya jadi penolong. Biggest helper and supporter, malah. Mungkin ini tuh salah satu cara Tuhan menjawab doa-doaku selama ini yang helpless ga tau gimana cara buat belajar yang efektif dan efisien untuk memperbesar kesempatanku untuk lulus. And now, we're bestfriends and after helping me with the test, he's been helping me with the lectures. Yup, ini tuh lebih ke dia yang bantuin aku, sementara aku useless. Aku ga tau manfaatku apa ke dia wkwkkw...😜. Terimakasih seribuuu... Mungkin pesan moral dari ini semua untukku adalah (1) jangan negative thinking, (2) God can work through peculiar ways, in  unseemly time, through unexpected people. All you need to do is ask and relax.

Btw, ini tuh udah bulan November 2018, playlist-ku setiap saat sudah lagu-lagu natal. Can't wait for christmas and home. Aku udah beli tiket pulang ke Nias 2 bulan sebelum tanggal keberangkatan. Ini juga sekalian mengigatkanku bahwa tahun 2018 akan berakhir dan tahun 2019 udah mulai ngintip. Sudah mulai memikirkan resolusi dan harapan yang harus dicapai di tahun 2019. Berhubung aku ga pernah bikin resolusi karena ga yakin bisa komitmen, aku biasanya menetapkan harapan (lebih ke goal sih sebenarnya). Puji Tuhan, harapan untuk tahun 2018 tercapai, aku bisa kuliah lagi. 

Nah sekarang kepikiran tahun 2019 nih. Since I think, I've been in a very good term right now and there's one more goal that I haven't achieved yet (masih banyak sih harusnya, tp ini kayaknya yang timingnya paling pas), I've been thinking of this "wish". Tapi ini kayaknya rada susah. Tapi balik lagi kayak quote di atas "scary things help you grow and God can work in peculiar ways", so let's see what 2019 would bring me.

With a thankfull heart,
Dian💓
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# Bintaro # College
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Location: Bintaro, Pesanggrahan, South Jakarta City, Jakarta, Indonesia

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Twenties and The Quarter Life Crisis

April 25, 2018 0 Comments
It's sooo cold outside and I'm crawling in my office chair with my jacket, socks and neck pillow. Office hour is over, I could go home anytime but the weather gives me this weird feeling. That weird feeling when you realize something is off, but you have no idea what it is. It's like something is missing, but you're not sure if it really is missing or it's just something you never had.

This reminds me of the night talk I had with my friends last week. I don't know what happen to the world outside of this wall I built for myself, but all of a sudden, all my closest friends including my brother was talking about their confusion, dissatisfaction, relationship issues, how they wish everything was different and how everything pushed them to the brink of anxiety.

Well, I am no capable in consulting people with their problems.  The only way I could do was being their chat buddy, staying awake with them till 2 a.m, listening to them and telling them that everything is gonna be okay.

I myself, was struggling with anxiety last couple of months, thus I can relate to them and have empathy to what they're going through. Thank goodness I am surrounded with the love of family and the support of friends who are just one Whatsapp chat away, and suddenly I'm not alone anymore. They're my bubble. They keep me safe, untouched, unscratched.

I notice the same theme from all the stories of my friends and mine. We're in our early twenties, passionate, fascinated with happiness and success, new to our work, career and to pretty much everything. And according to my online search, and long and deep discussions with my other friend, we're in our Quarter Life Crisis!

So, what's quarter life crisis?

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/quarter-life-crisis-age-most-likely-job-work-relationships-linkedin-career-house-money-a8054616.html
What are the signs that we're having quarter life crisis?

Well, each individual has different experience and there are so many articles online listing 10 or 15 or 25 signs of quarter life crisis. But let me infer according to our experience:
  • You're so determined. You want to achieve more that's why you  become so hard on yourself, put too much pressure on yourself
  • Fearing to fail
  • You avoid expectation and disappointment
  • Your work is boring and you're not sure if you're on the right track
  • You're anxious all the time. Then, you're anxious for being anxious all the time. Multiple anxiety!
  • You're stuck between being in charge of everything in your life (cause you have trust issue) and surrendering everything to divine intervention
  • You're so sick of people telling you what to do, but you always obey, then you end up feeling trapped and betrayed
  • There's a volcano of anger inside of you and ready to erupt anytime
  • Everybody's having their life together, except you 
  • Detachment and the feeling of not fitting in
  • You avoid discussion about your personal life cause you know you're so easily irritated lately
  • You wish everything was different
  • You don't know whether you should be dating and having casual fun or looking for the one and settling down cause everybody tells you something different
  • The last thing you want in your life right now is emotional attachment cause you're afraid of getting hurt again
  • and the list goes on. 
 Who are the ones likely to "suffer" from this kind of crisis?

https://lifehacker.com/how-to-overcome-your-quarter-life-crisis-1782670670
 See? mid twenties!

Where'd you get it?
https://lifehacker.com/how-to-overcome-your-quarter-life-crisis-1782670670

 How to overcome this crisis?
https://lifehacker.com/how-to-overcome-your-quarter-life-crisis-1782670670
I couldn't agree more to what's written in the article. I write a lot when I feel down. I did this even before reading those articles about quarter life crisis. I also bought books (and still do) about anxiety and self-help. I read a lot, I even read the bible not necessarily because I'm religious but because I'm in search  of inner peace, I need to calm myself down. Both writing and reading are so therapeutic for me.

The books that I've been reading right now are "Anxious for Nothing" by Max Lucado and "The Subtle Art of  Not Giving A Fuck" by Mark Manson, and "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris is still in queue. I don't know if they would help. I don't even care if they're relevant. As I said before, I'm in search.

I also talk to people I trust, whom I know won't judge me, won't see me less normal. I love talking to my brother, Paul, and chatting with closest friends. People need to share their thought, their burden. Sometimes we don't need solution, all we need is to be heard.

So, for those who of you who can relate with this condition, you should know that you are not alone on this and it's normal to have anxiety. You don't have to be anxious for being anxious😉. Everybody's going through or at least has been through a crisis unless you're a non-achiever and not willing to elevate. Everybody is fighting their own battle other people know nothing about(that's why we should always be kind).

One day, you'll stop and look behind, "Man, I was so stressed out back then, but I made it. I came out just fine" 

Hold on, you'll get through this and everything will fall to places. 

Lots of love,
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# Book # Friends
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Location: Gunungsitoli, Gunung Sitoli, Gunungsitoli City, North Sumatra, Indonesia

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Solideo - Singing Out of Love

March 29, 2018 0 Comments
I remember back to the day when I received my first work placement letter. I got KPPN Gunungsitoli, which meant Nias Island, my hometown. Instead of being super happy, I cried. I wasn't ready to give up my social life in the big city. I was afraid of being not able to fit in with new society and their whatsoever standards.

But turned out, being in a "new" place wasn't that bad after all. I made friends with new and old friends here. And the ones that I am so grateful for are my fellows in my church choir, Solideo. I've been in this choral group for 2 years now and I should say that this group is my sweet escape from work hustle and bustle. It helps me staying sane and balancing work and social life.

Vivi's wedding day. Went all the way to Lahewa only to sing on her special day
Focus, please😜
With The Bishop, Father Ludovicus Simanullang, OFMCap
Kak Imel's Wedding. We tried so hard to not cry while singing
I joined this group was not necessarily cause I'm good at singing and I have good voice. It was merely cause I loved singing but not confident enough to sing solo. So being in a choir is always something I opt for. I've been always a choir member since I was in Junior High School. The only time when I was not one was when I was in college. I private tutored Elementary to High School students back then, thus I didn't have any spare time for another extracurricular.

Not really good at singing, let alone reading notes, so it's pretty safe for me to say that I sing out of love 💛
Not only do we sing, but also we have fun together 😎
I've seen more things done by love within these 2 years. Some friends of mine are members of two choirs at the same time. They have to juggle with family, work and schedules and often I find them looking so tired especially during Christmas and Easter. Yet they do it anyway cause they love it. When I asked them, "Aren't you guys too tired being in 2 choirs? Why not just drop one and focus on the other one?". They just said, "No, cause it's fun and we enjoy it".

Some of my choir friends are school and college students. Instead of setting aside some of their time rehearsing, they could just hang out with their friends, or study or private tutor for money just like how I did when I was in college. But no, they choose to invest their time doing what they love doing.

Other ones amuse me even more. They are moms and dads who are undoubtedly have enough things to take care of in their houses, yet they still give time to sing their heart out with us. And surprisingly, they are more punctual than some of us who are still single (especially me). So, besides being friends, they are also role models for me that age, family and marriage is not an obstacle for you to self develop and do what you love doing. And of course, to appreciate time more. 

I'm gonna end this story with a literally real love story and in order to make it even more real, I'm gonna tell it in Bahasa. This was a conversation my choir friends had last week, before Palm Sunday Mass.

Bang Roy: "Eh, Mak Jos. Kata Bang Pasaribu, dia kagumlah sama kau dan suamimu, Pak Jos. Masih setia mendampingi dan membimbing paduan suara Solideo ini"

Mak Jos: "Gimana ya, Bang. Kalo kami berhenti, aku dan Pak Jos jadi ingat, kalo kami dulu jumpa di paduan suara ini. Makanya sedih kalo sampai berhenti"

We wouldn't meet and fall in love at each other if it's not because of this choir. So, it would be so sad if we give up on this.  -Mak Jos-
Mak Jos and Pak Jos. Aren't they the sweteeeesstt? Marriage goal💖💖💖

I was there hearing that conversation and automatically exclaimed "Oooohh..so sweet". My reaction may seem spontaneous but the impression that I got was deep. I wouldn't bother writing this post if I was not touched by that answer. I mean, if you can't see love in that answer, I don't know what else can you see?
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# Choir # Friends
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Location: Gunungsitoli, Gunung Sitoli, Gunungsitoli City, North Sumatra, Indonesia